Going For It
Posted on June 26, 2007 - Filed Under Dear Readers..., Dreams, I gots to have it, adventure, heads up, joy of creating, motivation, my opinions, writing, writing life
Hey Everybody,
I know I haven’t been around much lately, so I thought I’d give you a quick update of what I’ve been doing lately.
I have a bunch of agents to query this week - I may still try to post but I have 35 agents to hit and I want to get this done this week.
So…if you don’t see much of me, that’s where I am and what I’m doing.
Something has happened to me lately- maybe I’ve realized how much I want this (to get published) or something. I don’t know. But last weekend, I spent 5 hours poring over lists of agents and came up with 35 to submit to. I know it’s a longshot, as is everything you really want in life but I’ll never know if I don’t try. And I really want to try. That’s probably the biggest change. Maybe in the past I’ve been satisfied with just writing. I do love to write and I do it all the time and it is satisfying. But now, it seems I also want to be read - widely. Is it an ego thing? I don’t know. I suppose it could be - but maybe it’s really just a natural progression. Maybe I’ve finally decided that maybe I have something to say and that maybe others would like to know about that. Or maybe that I’ve decided I’m good enough to give it a shot. It’s like the beautiful butterfly that weaves in and out of the garden though, if you just watch it - it will entertain you for hours - but if you try to catch it, it eludes you. I suppose that isn’t the best analogy but hopefully you get the idea.
While all my friends have been supportive and encouraging when it comes to writing - and frankly, that counts for a whole hell of a lot. I’ve had two friends in particular who have really helped push me over my apathy or whatever the heck it was who I want to say, thank you, to.
Thanks Jess, for the deadline, reading the novel, all the really great things you’ve said and all the good honest feedback. I don’t think I would have gotten the ball rolling if you hadn’t just jumped in and helped me push myself.
Thanks Andrea, for wanting to help. For calling me out of the blue and offering your marketing savvy and taskmastery to me. For believing in me and telling me you think I’m the ‘real deal’.
It’s amazing people - just having someone to tell me what to do (read guidance) has seemed to make all the difference. In less than a month I’ve completed the synopsis, the query, cleaned up the manuscript and found 35 agents, plus about 20 contests I want to enter. This week, I query agents. Next week, I tweak stories, the week after that, I enter contests - and so it goes.
Suddenly, I am a mean, lean writing/marketing machine and it feels frickin great. I’m loading up my computer with mega RAM, getting a laptop (used and cheap) as well. I haven’t made this kind of progress in years or maybe ever. The postage, paper and ink is probably gonna break me but I don’t care. It’s what I want.
And you want to know something really funny? One of the things that is really motivating me is that I want to start a new project - a new novel. And I guess I don’t feel that I can until I get this thing moving. Does that make sense? I had all but given up on it - weird huh?
Anyway, that’s what I’m doing and I’m really glad and thankful that I’m doing it. It will probably mean that the blogging won’t be as compulsive as it’s been, I may not post as much or visit as much. But I’ll still be around. You’ll still see me. And I’ll keep everyone updated on any and all progress - if you want me to.
And too, I wanted to thank all you guys - for coming and reading and commenting and encouraging me into thinking that there are people out there who want to read what I write. That there is some value there. It has meant the world to me. You’ve no idea how much all of you have made a difference in my life in that way. I love you all.
Annie
All Washed Up
Posted on June 25, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, bad hair day, cool cats, funny pics
Aren’t kittys cute when they’re all squeaky clean?
To All the Telemarketers…
Posted on June 24, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, acts of idiocy, brain farts, laughs, music, my opinions, parody, rat bastards, really stupid shit, satire
(I’m pretty sure this ain’t what Willie & Julio had in mind. Ooops)
To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before
Who speed-dialed in and tricked the poor
I loathe they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before
To all the morons who once obsessed
And endeavored to harrass the best
For helping me to blow
I owe a lot, I know
To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before
The auto-dialers are always going
And every time I try to dodge or sway
The auto-dialers continue flowing
And they just blow me away
To all the telemarketers who’ve tried my life
Please go and bother someone else’s wife
I’ll never go along
I dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before
To all the phone jerks who’ve taunted me
Who filled my nights with agony
They have no fucking heart
They’ll always be a part
Of all the telemarketers I’ve loved before
The auto-dialers are always going
And every time I try to stray
The dialers keep on blowing
And they just ruin my day
(come on, everybody, join in!)
To all the telemarketers we’ve loved before
Who rung us up a thousand times or more
We loathe they came along
We dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers we’ve loved before
Who suck wet mops and should lick the floor
Just get the fuck along
We dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers we’ve loved before.
tada!
Holy Smokes - It’s All About Content
Posted on June 23, 2007 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, Humor, I gots to have it, Just For Fun, brain farts, classics, my opinions, saturdays, scary chicks
Any doubt that the Internet has become our religion? I think not.
WC
Dear Boodie…
Posted on June 22, 2007 - Filed Under Fat Ass, Food, Humor, Just For Fun, WTF?, brain farts, cool cats, motivation, my opinions, really stupid shit
(This is a very special letter to my cat - my love, my joy, my giant-hernia-producing-pain-in-the-butt, cat.)
Dear Boodie,
I saved you from sure extermination. That day I first saw you with your big red eye (that had been injured when a nail somehow got in there) and so tiny I could fit you in my hand. You stole my heart with your aloof and feral ways. I had to take you home and make you my own.
At first you were shy and would wait until I was half conscious on the couch before you would venture out and crawl up on my chest, where you would sleep, issuing forth your little snore. Fur soft as silk - a funny face with yellow eyes that said ‘I have no brain cells’ I quickly came to love you.
We had many adventures, and you learned how to be a dog from the old girl - who we finally had to put asleep. But we fared well for that year when it was just you and me. Then came the puppy, who you in the tradition of our family, taught to be a cat. To jump up on counters and perch on the back of sofas and chairs. To prefer eating from your cat box, rather than her dish. Oh sure, there was sibling rivalry but secretly, I knew you loved each other. As evidenced by the good morning kiss you give each other every morning. Followed by a barking and yeowling tussle.
But much as I love you my dear, overweight, obese and funny cat there are a few things we need to get straight:
1. When my eyelashes flutter at 4 a.m. I am not awake and getting ready to feed you, I am dreaming.
2. When the first fingers of sunlight filter through our guazy curtains, it is not time to feed you.
3. When I get up in the middle of the night to pee, it is not midnight snack time.
4. When I come home from work and I turn on my computer, it is not dinner time.
5. When I move, it is not feeding time.
6. When I speak, it is not lunch time.
7. When I turn on the shower it is not time to feed you.
8. Are you sensing a pattern here?
I know that you don’t like Roomie’s cats and therefore you refuse to leave our room, with all your hiding places and the doggie to protect you from the evil ones. But seriously, you need to go to Jenny Craig’s. You need to get a full length mirror and look, really look at yourself. It is time for some real tough love here. You are FAT. Yes, you are. You are F.A.T. fat. You must brave the great outdoors and chase some mice or lizards or spiders or whatever it is you like to chase. You must go out and kick some Roomie Cat butt and make a space for yourself in the yard, with it’s big trees and green grass and several patio chairs just right for napping in the sun.
You must, my cat, come to know that there is more to life than food.
Love,
Mom
We All Need
Posted on June 21, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, I gots to have it, Just For Fun, brain farts, clueless, laughs, my opinions, really stupid shit, satire
Kim over at Good at Getting Better did this little ditty and I thought I’d give it a try myself. You go to g**gle and type in “(your name) needs” then list the top ten needs. Mine were pretty funny and frighteningly accurate. So what does Annie need?
Analysis. Annie needs to be rescued by the armed forces (displaying male power), the entire rescue mission having been set in motion by the preeminent father figure [This one is an obvious no brainer. Any of my readers could have come up with this]
Companionship. Volunteers are taking her out of the kennel each day, but this in no way replaces the companionship Annie needs. Annie needs a home. …[Yes, I am so lonely and I had no idea that others knew I lived in a kennel]
The Four Word Film Review. Annie Hall (1977). 77 reviews. Film rated 4.4 / 5 (Chick rating: 4.3 / 5) (Guy rating: 4.5 / 5 …. Manhattan Pygmalion needs eggs. … Annie needs a Woody. …[Not clear on this one, do I need a film review or a woody?]
A foster home. Please Save Annie!!! Needs a FOSTER home!!!!This is Annie, a mountain cur (?) puppy who desperately needs someone to love her unconditionally, spend time with her training, and can teach her not to be …[Yes, please save me!]
Coffee. Why Annie needs her Coffee~’Why Annie needs her Coffee~ Hi everybody, We were out of our favorite coffee this morning, which made me remember this story. [I always need coffee - jeesh, this is too easy]
A new door. She keeps her door unlocked, slightly ajar. If Annie needs someone, or if someone needs her, she cannot open the door. No one robs Annie. … [You better believe no one robs Annie - or that Annie has anything to rob]
Insight. Finally, the court concluded that the grandparents are “good people,” but their lack of insight into Annie’s developmental needs, the grandfather’s …[Can't argue with this one - and really it is all about my developmental needs]
A real home. little annie needs a real home [And big Annie could use a real home too]
To Grow up. Another Police Rampage in DC”Annie” needs to grow up and take her politically correct “liberalism” over to Daily Kos where it belongs, with the other “liberals” who want to impose …[Who said I was a liberal????]
To Get Dressed. AJ gets dressed and insists Annie needs to get dressed too. Then the three of us hop in the car where we either go out to the library, or if it’s a M, …[Crap, is there a hidden webcam on this thing?]
Okay, so apparently that is what I need. I would add to the list, fame, fortune and several published novels, but G**gle clearly doesn’t know me that well.
What do you need?
WC
10 Things to do With a Dead Spouse
Posted on June 20, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, acts of idiocy, brain farts, dasterdly deeds, my opinions, really stupid shit, satire, tips, tricks and advice
Okay, so last week I did a post about posts I never did. Still with me? Good. Well, I did a little re-thinking and with a little encouragement decided to actually take up one of the topics. Now, contrary to popular opinion, I did indeed, once have a spouse. So I know of what I speak. Obviously it didn’t work out - no chemistry. None of that stuff that keeps you with a person despite all the many things that drive you nuts about them and prevents you from killing them.
I bring this up only because in order to know what one can do with a dead spouse, logic dictates one would have had to have had a live spouse, once…right?
Here are my ten suggestions of what to do with a dead spouse:
1. Fertilizer: This is pretty obvious - once you have the dead spouse there is always the issue of smell. Hence the whole concept of organic gardening comes into play. It gives a new meaning to the phrase, ‘I love you so much I could eat you with a spoon,’ doesn’t it? Tip: Mix 50/50 with steer manure which helps to mask the sweet smell and has plenty of nitrogen for good green growth.
2. Coat Rack: I don’t know about you, but I’m short on closet space. However, I do have an empty corner near the door. Tip: Position arms before the set in of rigor mortis, then wrap in gauze dipped in embalming fluid to discourage insect infestation. Alternate tip: Research taxidermy before endeavoring to do this project.
3. Unique Christmas Tree: Nothing warms the heart more that spending the holidays with loved ones. Especially when they are decked out in sparkly garland and plastic santas. Tip: Spray paint dead spouse with either silver or gold - it enhances the shine & sparkle, especially if you have a roaring fire going.
4. One-of-a-kind Coffee Table: Have your dearly departed hermetically sealed in a pine box with glass top. You can paint the box or use danish oil to seal in a natural finish. It is a non-stop conversation piece and because of it’s size can comfortably facilitate a dinner party of eight. Tip: Have body clothed before installation or the conversation will get out of hand.
5. Fed-Ex Him Back to His Mother: Nothing makes a mother happier than to learn that the tramp her son married no longer wants him. Plus, moms don’t mind dusting or hand feeding and have an endless supply of air freshners. Tip: Check with Fed-Ex for custom sized boxes - may require a special releases and waiver form.
6. Soylent Green: Don’t know what I’m talking about? Rent the movie.
7. Cat Scratcher: Why have your pampered feline scratch up your furniture when you have a perfectly good dead spouse for them to use. Tip: Using this option before going onto option #1 could be a winning combo.
8. Fix Them up With Paris Hilton: She’ll never know the difference and I hear she enjoys really edgy guys. Tip: Attach castors to bottom of feet, to make moving and posing a snap.
9. Trellis for Tomato Plants: I don’t know about you but I can never find a trellis strong enough to hold the beefsteak tomatoes. The vines cover and climb nicely and pests will opt for them, not your tomatoes. Tip: Dress dead spouse in plaid shirt and blue jeans so he will blend in with your garden motif.
10. Put in Green Trash Bin and Let Somebody Else do the Heavy Lifting: We all must do our part to save the planet and recyle and repurpose our waste, so this is a win-win situation. You will probably also get some extra carbon credits for this and your tax dollars will finally be doing something for you. Tip: If dead spouse is over 4 1/2 feet tall, you will have to fold before putting into bin.
Okay, those are my suggestions - what are yours?
WC
PS: Yes, I know I’m a sick, sick individual.
Can You Say, Mucho Dinero?
Posted on June 19, 2007 - Filed Under I gots to have it, I'm in awe, Just For Fun, adventure, my opinions
I just got this in an email from a friend. The following pics show the ‘finds’ at a drug bust of Mexican drug dealers. I couldn’t resist posting them here.
Believe it or not - there were several more - but I guess you get the picture. My friend speculated that they’d just paid off Mexico’s national debt. I’d say that and possibly the purchase of a couple of small countries.
Wow, don’t you just love capitalism?
WC
PS: The sad thing though is that all that money represents drugs coursing through somebody’s system. Gives you pause, eh?
I Want a Do-Over!
Posted on June 18, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, bad hair day, crap!, good wishes, head exploding, little rants, my opinions, rat bastards, really stupid shit, temporary insanity
This past week at work has been unbelievable. Besides the usual sniping, blind-siding employees that seek to ruin my life - it seems the whole fricking universe wants to get into the act too.
Okay, Monday was okay and Tuesday started out okay but then - somebody asked me something which I needed to check on the Internet. Ooops. No internet. Crap. Have everybody check their computers to see if they are having the same problem. Yep. We’re all screwed for that. Oh well, life goes on.
A little while later, somebody said the fax wasn’t working. I noticed a message saying the cartridge was low, so I sent someone to go get a new one. Nope, that didn’t fix it. Hmmm.
I called the IT guy we use and told him the problems we were having. Naturally, he insisted in doing one of those ‘let me walk you through it’ things that never work. So, he said he’d come over. He arrived later and checked this and that and nope, we simply did not have an internet connection.Crap.
So then I spend an hour trying to figure out who the provider is because nobody knows. Since we have an Earthlink account which we pay every month, I assumed it was them. After an hour on the phone with them I realize that it probably isn’t them. Is the bookeeper any help? You know, the one who is in charge of such things as vendors - uh..duh…nope. I grab the phone bill and discover yes, my dear friends at AT&T provide the service. Okay, we go through the whole bullshit routine with them. You know the one, where the Tech guy on the other end of the line just knows it’s a user problem? Sweet. And he’s asking me which line it is - we have 15 lines mind you. And I’m thinking ‘how the hell should I know? they installed it, why can’t they just look it up on the computer?’
Finally the guy figures it out after forcing me to read a 20 page phone bill. Ah yes, it’s the fax line. So, let me get this straight - my dsl is on my fax line and so that then means they are both out, right? Crap! At least I have my backup fax line. Ah…no…that one is out too.
When can they come to fix it? Tonight at 7 p.m. What? We’ll all be gone by then you dope - this is a business, not my house, which should be pretty obvious since I have 15 phone lines, doncha think?
Okay, tomorrow between 9 & 1. It sucks but I can live with it. We just need to hang on until then. Oh by the way, the receptionist just told me the credit card machine doesn’t work either. Okay, call the company. Shit, you need an internet connection for that too? And guess what? Most of our transactions are on credit cards. So now the receptionist is writing down numbers and other pertinent info so she can run the charges the next day.
So, Wednesday I call up the company to get an update and make sure they are really coming. Guess what? The tech guy tells me that it’s actually a bigger problem and my repair ticket has been canceled because it’s actually a whole grid that is out and it will take days. Days! Probably not til Monday.
So, long story short - we spent the rest of the week without internet, faxes or a credit card machine. And I don’t even know if it’s going to be working when I get in this morning.
Oh yeah, and the doc told me she’s going on vacation in two weeks and we’ll just have to reschedule all the patients and make the associates take care of things.
Oh yeah, and the bookeeper actually twigged that if we don’t get things fixed we may not be able to do payroll on Tuesday.
Oh yeah, then there was this crazy patient who had filed some stupid ass complaint and so we had to run around trying to find stuff that we could fax…ah…er…send over to the board, so they would know she is just a nut job who threatened to off herself at the office a couple of months ago.
Oh yeah and the attorney who is (bumbling) handling a legal case of grand larceny for us - is calling me every two minutes from the police station to help him with stuff I gave him months ago.
Yep, a do-over. I deserve one and need one. Or at least have things back to normal. Wish me luck - I just know I’ll need it. Crap!
WC
Happy Father’s Day, Pop
Posted on June 17, 2007 - Filed Under Dreams, Heroes, adventure, american idol, father's day, memories
It’s Father’s Day and it’s been a while since I’ve really celebrated it because my Pop passed away several years ago. An earlier post I did, will tell you about my dad. My first true hero. To say I loved him with all my heart puts it mildly. He meant the world to me. And he still does. I suppose in a way I try to ignore Father’s Day, so I don’t have to miss him even more than I already do. His funny little giggle, and crusty voice, his clear blue eyes and big belly - his everything.
But I don’t want to get all sad and lonely in this post. I want to tell you about him. Just a little. It’s just a small little story but one that I love.
Long after I’d grown up and moved out to California, with my own place and my own life - I used to talk to him on the phone. Probably once a month or so. Not about anything in particular. We just talked about whatever was going on or on our minds. We ‘got’ each other very well, and there always was a real easiness between us. So, this one night we were gabbing on the phone and he hit all the usual dad bases, who was I dating? were they good to me? how was the job? what kind of car was I driving? when was I leaving the land of terrible earthquakes? stuff like that.
Then the topic rolled around to him. “So, what’s new with you?” I asked. A pause. Eh? Dad never paused when you asked him something. “What?”
“Aw…never mind,” he said. I could swear I almost heard him blushing.
Too curious to let it pass, I said, “What? What is it?”
“Oh, you’ll just make fun of me,” he stalled.
“I will not,” I insisted. “What is it?” I was starting to get a little worried - no one was more of an open book than my Pop and he was a straight from the hip kind of guy, so I knew something was up. “Oh for cripes sake, would you just tell me?”
“Okay,” he said, none too pleased. “Well, I started taking night classes at the local high school.” Pop had never finished high school, something he always regretted.
“Well, that’s great, Dad. What are you taking? Photography? Writing?”
“No, I’m getting my diploma.”
“In what?” I asked, apparently to dense to get what he meant.
“My high school diploma. I went back to school and got my diploma,” he said as though relieved to confess his deep dark secret.
I was so happy for him. I knew what it meant to him and I could tell he was happy about it too. “That’s great! That’s really great, Pop. When are you going to finish?”
He laughed. “I already did. Mickey (my little sister) and I are having a joint graduation party next week.”
Now, this may seem a bit small to some of you - and I’ll admit that in the greater scheme it probably is. But I swelled with pride when he told me. That at age 60, he would go back to school and right something he thought he’d done wrong 40 years before, really knocked me out. He didn’t do it for any reason, or anyone, just himself. Just because it was important to him - a goal he’d never reached but wanted to. And then to have his graduation party with the youngest of his five children was like the cherry on the ice cream sundae.
And that was my dad. The guy who just followed his heart and never stopped trying to grow or learn throughout his life. I don’t think I was ever prouder of him than I was in that moment.
So, Pop…wherever you are, whether up in Heaven looking down on me, or reincarnated as an American Bald Eagle soaring through the sky - you still are and always will my hero. Happy Father’s Day, Pop.
Love,
Annie
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