Life’s a Beach
Posted on August 30, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, WTF?, brain farts, really stupid shit
The west coast, or least my part of it is trying to see its way through a wicked heat wave. There was another a couple of weeks ago but it seemed pretty quick and relatively painless compared to this one.
We all bugged out of work early today for various reasons, but chief among them was that the air conditioner didn’t seem to be working too well. It was probably about 90 degrees in my office at 9:30 this morning, and I had to keep going out to reception to try to get some relief.
So, off we went - by the time I reached home at noon, it was 104 degrees. The house is cooler at a mere 89 degrees, that icy temp was reached with the help of two swamp coolers, ceiling fans and floor fans. Yep, I’m dripping on my keyboard as I type this.
And on days (in this case weeks) like this I can think of nothing but heat, sun, sweating and the ceasing thereof. As Scarlett O’Hara might say, “Mah, it’s terribly wahm in here.” I’d have to agree and by the way, Scarlett ol’ girl may I borrow your fan and if you’re getting a mint julep can you bring one back for me too?
I suspect it is days like these that have inspired all manner of hot literary, cinematic, and musical pieces dedicated to this cruel inhuman condition. So let’s see if I can fit them all into one paragraph.
Today I have a Fever and I keep singing Heat Wave in my head as I comtemplate this Long Hot Summer and wonder where The Streetcar Named Desire has got itself to. While Some Like It Hot personally, I feel like A Cat on a Hot Tin Roof on a Dog Day Afternoon. I can’t stand to be near another human being because the Body Heat makes me feel like a Hot Tamale and I want to jump in my Hot Rod and zip down to 7/11 for a Hot Dog. The Hot Tub is on the blink, and since I Can’t Stand The Heat, I’ll Stay Out of The Kitchen. Though I doubt I’ll have Hot Cakes for dinner because I am one Hot Girl. Still, the question that really lingers in my mind is: If you saw a heat wave would it wave back to you?
Be cool.
WC
How’d You Do on Your Driver’s Test?
Posted on August 29, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, WTF?, brain farts, really stupid shit
I really hate tests, though I’m usually pretty good at them. Then there are some folks who are just faking it. What’s really scary is that these are real answers given by real attendees of Traffic School given by the California Department of Transportation.
Although, it sure can make you feel smart once you read some of these bonehead’s answers.
WC
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
“Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your
car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would hard to be a dickhead all day long.
Full Moon on the Rise?
Posted on August 28, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, WTF?, brain farts, my opinions, really stupid shit
I don’t know about you, but there are a lot of folks who will exclaim “Must be a full moon” whenever they witness odd, strange or outright bizarre behavior. I’m definitely one of them. To be honest, I’ve know idea if there is anything correct in that estimation as far as science is concerned. There are so many views about the mind and soul and what they are and what they respond to and how they respond to what they respond to that it seems it may be anyone’s guess.
Still…I have to say that whenever I have made such an utterance, the calendar nearly always validates my observation. That being the case, there are many signs to tip one off that there may be a full moon coming. I offer the following list as my contribution to public safety:
1. You come home to find your dog is lounging in your bed wearing your silk underwear.
2. You turn on your left blinker to make a left turn and your airbags release.
3. Your mother sends you an age-appropriate, taste-appropriate gift that is the right size, right color and aligns with your lifestyle. And you love it.
4. At every stop light, homeless dudes come out of nowhere to wash your windshield.
5. Your watch stops at the exact moment your hard drive crashed.
6. You wake up late, don’t get coffee, forget your cell phone and have a flat on the way to work - oh yeah, your triple a card is sitting on your desk with your cell phone.
7. A mini van carrying three soccer moms and ten little league soccer players runs the stop sign, narrowly missing you by a fraction of an inch and everyone flips you off, even the dog.
8. Gas prices go up fifty cents in one hour.
9. David Letterman actually says something funny on his show.
10. You win money on a scratcher and when you get home find a bill from the IRS for that exact amount.
11. You take a picture of Fergie to your hairdresser and tell her that you want a cut just like that and you leave the salon looking like Vin Diesel.
12. When you get home from grocery shopping you discover they forgot to put your butter and milk in the bag and in their stead is two cans of butter beans, a jar of marshmallow fluff and a package of Depends.
13. A cat spooks you as you are turning into your driveway and you hit the fence you put up the day before.
14. You discover that your favorite television show has been pre-empted by a chess match between the Yugoslavian and Siberian chess champs.
15. You find 37 messages on your answering machine from a three year who that day had discovered the phone.
Okay, that’s my list, what’s yours?
WC
Beware!
Posted on August 26, 2007 - Filed Under WTF?, bad hair day, dasterdly deeds, evil bloodsuckers, rat bastards
So, the other day I turned on my cell phone (I only turn it on when I’m going to call someone or when I’m driving, in case there is an emergency) and I saw that I had a bunch of text messages. This was odd, since I don’t send text messages and only get them if Verizon has some dumb new thing they want me to buy from them.
So, I pull them up and they are from this company . Joke a day, text messages? Are you kidding? I erased them all and went about my business, only to get another a few seconds later. Annoyed. I went to the Verizon website to see if I could block these suckers and couldn’t figure it out. So I called the 800 number.
While I was waiting, I decided to check my account details and lo and behold what do I see? A charge for $10 for a text message. So, when I get on the phone with the rep at Verizon, I find out that they can’t reverse the charges because I’ve subscribed to some service.
Of course this is bullshit, since I don’t subscribe to crap like this and I NEVER give my cell phone to companies, much less one like this. The Verizon rep gives the company’s 800 number where I finally get through to a rep who explains that I subscribed to a service. I explain to her that I didn’t subscribe to any such thing and I want my money back. She explains that the number I’ve called is the parent company and the company that charged me is a sister company, but they no longer exist. What? But she’ll give me another 800 number to call to see if I can cancel my subscription.
I lose it and tell her once again I didn’t subscribe and that I shouldn’t have to chase down phantom companies to give back money they had no right to take. Bottom line, she won’t help me, so I give her a good dose of insults and hang up.
I called Verizon back and explained the situation to yet another Verizon rep and she was very helpful and explained that somehow someone had gotten my number and the company debited my phone, just like a merchant would from an atm card and that the company had to give it back. She tracked down the number and gave me the website. I tried the phone and I couldn’t even hear the recording so I went to the website and filled out a form demanding my money back.
I have little hope that they will do the right thing and return my money. And writing the complaint to them did little to relieve my angst and writing this post probably won’t do much for it either - but at least you can be warned about them.
Also, the Verizon rep told me another thing that really freaked me out. Though i had them block text messages on my account, she said when it comes to premium text messages that the blocking is useless. They can still do it. So, it seems my choice is to chuck this phone and get another one. It’s a shame but in the end I may have to do it.
What I can’t figure out though is how they got my cell number. Literally, only about 10 people have it. I can’t imagine any of them giving it to something like this or doing this as some sort of practical joke - not funny.
I’m telling you there is no justice in the world. I know I’m out of luck and if I get any sort of response it will be bull and they will not give me my money back because that’s how this sort of company works. It’s not even the money so much as the violation of privacy. I feel like somebody sneaked into my house and took something from me without my consent. It sucks.
So, there you have it. Another good reason to not text - aside from carpal tunnel thumbs and losing the ability to spell properly.
WC
A World of Our Own?
Posted on August 24, 2007 - Filed Under Random Thoughts, brain farts, in my head, my opinions, society
Technology is a beautiful thing. The conveniences it has given us and the simplicity it has made of once tedious work is nothing short of miraculous. But, in the words of one of my readers - are we enjoying the technology or is it enjoying us?
We have so many gadgets to give us creature comfort that we nearly never have to leave the house. As long as we have a computer, a phone, internet connection and a credit card we are set. We could easily begin to feel that really there is no one else in the world for all of the digging in we do in our little nests. We cocoon to coin a popular phrase.
It is any wonder that when we are actually out in the world our behaviour is less than amicable? We squeeze into spaces, nearly sending the car behind us in a ditch, but don’t notice because we have the a/c, stereo system and the cell phone going. We screech down residential neighborhoods at 3 a.m. with our music so loud it’s breaking crystal in someone’s house. We cut into line and don’t see the dismayed looks on other line mates’ faces. We yak to our friends while the movie is playing. Talk on cell phones anywhere, allowing all to hear everything there is to know about our lives, relationships and troubles. Our children run rampant, like wild animals through shopping malls, restaurants and groceries stores because we don’t believe in suppressing their desire to be free beings, even though they are giving everyone else mild heart attacks. We plug in our Ipods and giggle, gaggle and bang out the drum line on the table top, never noticing that the racket is bothering others.
All because of technology? Or is it us? Have we become so embedded in our own toys and gadgets of convenience that we no longer see the other people in the world. Or know that there are other people there? And when we notice them, are we confused by the strange or angry looks, the rude gestures? The stunned, gaping mouths?
It has been said of previous generations that it was all about me. But I’m wondering if that is a thing of the past or the present. Is the me generation still alive and well? If they lost their technology tomorrow, would they have the people skills and thinking skills to survive, to work in tandem with others and make it? Or would they just sit in a corner crying because they can no longer plug in, tune out and float in a world meant only for them? I wonder. Do you?
Time to Manage
Posted on August 23, 2007 - Filed Under WTF?, adventure, brain farts, clueless, my opinions
A couple of decades ago, or maybe longer, there was a big whoop dee doo about time management. Whole industries sprung up from that concept. I think somebody wrote a book or maybe several somebodies did because it sure caught on. Now you can’t go in a bookstore without a million books on how to manage your time.
And of course there are the requisite tools that go with such concepts: day planners, month at a glance, palm pilots, blackberries, appointment calenders, net meetings, alarm clocks, timers, schedule templates, pop up reminder features on email programs, electronic calenders, beeping cell phones. And more.
I hate schedules. Always have, always will. Ironically, I am quite good at organizing. Others. Not myself. I am loath to discipline myself and put myself on a schedule. I tell myself constantly…Monday, I’m starting….(fill in the blank). Because I never really do it. I always find some reason not to. The guilt sometimes overcomes me and makes me do things but I resent it. I have gotten accustomed to my little cursing voice that tells me what a loser and schedule slacker I am. It’s merely a buzz in my ear that is easily remedied with a q-tip and turning up the radio dial.
BUT, I’ve realized something. I need to do it. I must do it. Somehow I have got to do it. With my current job, I have less time, a longer commute, longer hours. No longer can I just bee bop home at 4 p.m. and be there by 4:10 p.m. The round trip commute takes an hour and twenty daily. Plus if there are errands to run, dog food to buy or stop offs to make I’m home even later. I have to hit the ground running and I just haven’t been doing that. How do you squeeze work, exercise, blogging, writing, marketing, quality time with friends, gardening and veg-out time into 2.5 less hours per day?
That is my quandry. That is my challenge. I must work it out.
Any suggestions? Any tips? Please don’t refer to gadgets or software though because I will be sure to get lost in the learning curve and by the time I master it I will no longer be interested. I need tricks. I need ways to fool myself into getting a handle on this thing before I am forever lost to slackdom and a lifetime of computer Mah Jong. It’s a curse I’m telling you a real curse. Thoughts?
WC
How Hot Is It?
Posted on August 22, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, breathe, california
Words drip, sweat and
mix metaphor with similie
syntax liquid in its oozing
ekes with panted breath
fire combusting from
sun parched ideas
into molten lines
of nonsensical sentences
shrieking for waves
of cool, clear thoughts
floating on frozen
dacquiries and donning
umbrellas to shield
the mind from mean
summer smog-choked
concepts and dream of
winter’s words and
woolen coats whose pockets
are filled to the brim
with stories that
warm the heart.
Copyright 2007
Space the Final Frontier?
Posted on August 21, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, brain farts, my opinions, society
In recent years there has been a lot made of space. Not the NASA kind of space. Not the Star Trek kind of space. Or parking spaces or office spaces or even line spaces. Personal space. Know what I mean? As in: I need my space. Gimme some space. You’re invading my space. Gotta find some space. There’s even an entire blogosphere devoted to it called My Space. So, it’s quite the commodity these days.
Used to be that people just wanted to be alone. Or go for a walk. Or see a movie without company. Maybe sit under a tree and read a book. They even played hookie from time to time. But they didn’t carry around metaphysical walls and boundaries over which others were not to step. They did not erect in their minds individual planets with their own solar systems in order to get a little peace and quiet. Nope, back then I think we were more sociable than today.
So how does one make that space? That personal space that is so sought after, valued and treasured? It seems to me that there is no one way to do it. It seems to me that everyone has their own way of making their ’space’ their own.
Roomie for example, makes it with dirt and clutter. He has so dripped, dribbled and drabbed over the coffee table that I won’t go near it. His side of the kitchen counter is frightening and I go to great lengths to avoid it. Heck we even divvy up the stove - my half is clean, his is dirty. Yep that’s how he maintains his personal space.
Others use food - hey the bigger the body the more space you get to occupy, yes? Don’t believe me, ask my fat ass. (Note to self, must find other ways to make space).
Some make it with noise. Ever notice how crazy noisy kids are in grocery stores? They throw themselves on the floor and scream bloody murder. Boy do they get a lot of space, people go three aisles over just to get out of that space.
How about fences or walls. The neighbor who isn’t exactly neighborly erects concrete walls, 8 foot fences, electronic gates and covers them with growing vines to get his space.
The do-it-your-selfer uses his trusty power tools to ensure the garage remains his personal space. The wife doesn’t want to go near the dirty noisy things and as long as something is running, she will stay safely ensconsed in the house in front of the television or air conditioner.
Many of us bloggers use words. Pleading words. Pleasing words. Funny words. Angry words. Authoritative words. Impressive words. Kind words. We fill our spaces up with words and sometimes pictures too - the words of course, are really just thoughts so I guess we use our mental faculties to make space. How very metaphysical of us.
Yet with all this space making going on, it seems to me that we aren’t any happier than we used to be. In fact, we may be less happy than we once were. When social decorum was a quality not an abberation, when manners were sought after, not criticized, when people tried to get along, not get apart.
So what’s your take on space? New frontier or life avoidance? How do you make space? Are others welcome there? What do you do to get space?
WC
Bossy Got Greenbacks
Posted on August 20, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, back to work, brain farts, cubicle universe, little rants
(Apologies to Sir Mix Alot)
I hate my job and I can not lie
You other workas can’t deny
That when the boss walks in with an itty bitty list
And a ruler in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that list was stuffed
Deep in the wants she’s bearing
I’m trapped and I can’t stop staring
Oh, lady I wanna spit at ya
And call ya a bitcha
My voices tried to warn me
But the pay I get
It’s really torn me
Ooh, jump for the money
You say I gotta work for it honey
Well use abuse me cuz you’re making me woozy
I’ve seen you dancin’
Your razor tongue glancin’
My Sweat, you get, cuz I can’t leave yet
I’m tired and don’t feel keen
I can’t quit that’s the thing
Take the average worker and ask her that
She gotta have the greenbacks
and that’s that
So Workas (yeah) Workas(yeah)
Has your boss she got the whip (hell yeah)
Well fake it, fake it, fake it, fake it, no if ands or butts
Bossy got greenbacks
Queen Elizabeth
Posted on August 19, 2007 - Filed Under Family, Just For Fun, ab fab costumes, hysterical, my opinions
About four years ago, my friend Jenny decided to take a job in Texas and leave California. To say I was crestfallen puts it mildly, as she was and always will be one of my dearest friends. But she knew her future was there and so it was. She met a great guy, got married and had two more kids.
I have known her first child, Arthur all his life and couldn’t love a kid more if he were my own. I taught him how to say “Republican Rage”, the Italian flip off and how to make a mashed potato pimple (you don’t want to know). But I never met her ‘new’ kids until Thanksgiving of last year.
She and her brood came down to visit everyone over that holiday weekend and we all headed up to Santa Barbara for the family feast. Her new little boy, Maverick is one of those cuter than cute kids who at that point didn’t really talk but had a series of grunts that meant certain things, it didn’t take long to figure those out and I became a hit with him when I gave him a keychain that had a little button that turned on a light.
Then there was Elizabeth. Queen Elizabeth to you cretins. For a three year old she had an amazing presence. It was clear on my first look that she knew her own mind and soon so would I. As soon as she got out of the car, she stared me down with her unwavering gaze as if to say, “Who is this broad?” The fact that I have a little dog who is cute as a button fared well for me with QE and I guess she decided she liked me.
Elizabeth is a girlie girl. She likes her dresses and shoes. Craves hair ties and tierras. Purses, wallets, mirrors and probably make up if you gave her any. I figure by age 5 she’ll be donning stilletto heels and ignoring all the giggly little boys who follow her in her kindergarten class. She is a cutie to be sure. And stubborn as the day is long. Crafty too. On the drive up, she kept managing to get that little keychain away from Maverick which of course inspired blood curdling screams from little brother. Her ability to create and wear convincingly the I don’t have a clue what’s wrong face could give all the Barrymore’s a run for their money and it took a while to figure out what she was doing. And there were battles over blankets, snacks, water and so on.
Clearly, in Elizabeth’s world, all that she purveyed was hers to have and let the peasants take what was left or bored her. It’s the kind of attitude that will make her a rich and very savvy entreprenuer one day. She is a go-getter. She knows what she wants and goes after it with a venegance. I wish that when I were a child I’d been that focused and sure of what I wanted - how different my life would have been.
Throughout the weekend, Jenny and I made jokes about her queenly attitude in all its many manifestations and it is truly one of my fondest memories of that weekend. This willful and charming child stole my heart.
For Christmas, I sent her a watch (because we discovered over that weekend where Jenny’s watch kept getting to) and a variety of hair ties. Which I have been told by Jenny that she covets and guards with enthusiasm.
The other day Jen sent me the top picture and I had to laugh because I thought, “Finally she has found her crown.” And from the looks of it, couldn’t be happier in her kingdom.
So, here’s to you, my Queen, long may you reign!
Love,
Duckie
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