Prediction, Predictions, Who’s Got ‘Em?
Posted on December 30, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, are we idiots?, assclowns, brain farts, predictions
A new year is just about here and given the year that we just had, I can’t even imagine what might happen next…well, actually maybe I can imagine. As I did last year and the year before that, I offer the following predictions as but a tiny slice of the fun and games I believe is coming in a future near you.
1. Hillary Clinton will bitch-slap lil Kim of N. Korea for grabbing the last lamb chop at her first televised state dinner.
2. OJ Simpson now hopelessly incarcerated for a bogus crime to pay for the crime he actually committed but was acquitted of, will start his own religion which will emphasize starting the day with fruit juice.
3. A Congressional Oversight Committee will be formed to investigate the suspicious use and possible abuse of powdered sugar in the pastry industry.
4. Hyper-miling will become mandatory in the state of California, which will really make it easier to talk on the cell phones.
5. Bigfoot will be discovered and captured and after extensive DNA testing it will be found to be the illegitimate offspring of Teddy Kennedy and Janet Reno.
6. Jesse Jackson will ‘come out’ via a tell-all memoir in which he will admit to having a long standing love affair with the Reverand Al Sharpton.
7. Silver back Gorrillas, previously believed to be a vanishing species will launch a surprise takeover of urban America by using a network of ape cells secretly formed in zoos across the country.
8. President-elect Obama will be proven to not be a natural citizen of the United States and deemed ineligible to be President. An ‘emergency’ election will be held and once again, Hillary will get yet another chance at the brass ring.
9. Honda will open its first factory in China and consequently have the largest recall in auto manufacturing history, which will bankrupt them. Congress will bail them out to ensure China’s economy is saved.
10. Virtual cheating will become bonafide grounds for divorce and affect child custody cases as well.
11. Several members of Congress will be disagnosed with a new mental affliction known as BOBS (bail out blues syndrome) which inexplicably causes them to break out into rousing show tunes on the House and Senate floors.
12. Hundreds of hats will wash up on the Jersey shore, confounding local law enforcement, neccesitating calling in the FBI to pursue and apprehend (who the press have deemed) the Mad Hatter. (Clue: look for rabbits)
13. Joe the Plumber will land his own reality television show called “My Two Cents.” The contestants will be a bunch of sissy ass whiners worried about the erosion of their personal freedoms and about which people don’t really give a shit. The whiner most popular with the media wins and of course gets a check for two cents as prize money.
14. Global warming will strike once again and the East Coast will experience the most temperate winter in weather recorded history. Conversely, California will close all freeways during a state of emergency called because of snow storms. Bob sleds will become the new ‘green’ commuter busses.
As always, feel free to add to the list. Happy New Year!
Sweet Little Lies…
Posted on December 10, 2008 - Filed Under Blogging, are we idiots?, assclowns, bullshit, burn in hell, dasterdly deeds, evil bloodsuckers, liars
As many of you probably know, there is a blogger who has recently ‘come clean’ about some pretty serious lies she has been telling us. Specifically she claimed to have cancer, dead relatives and parental abuse in her life. With the recent coming clean post we have learned that she has none of the above. And is, in fact, a drop out slacker who says she gets depressed so she has to get people to feel sorry for her about imaginary illnesses and life circumstances in order to have friends.
This is the type of person we are all warned about prowling the internet. The liar. The one who invents some sort of pathetic and sympathy-inducing life so that people will pay attention to them. Now, I don’t suppose I have too much trouble with someone embellishing or even creating a personna on the internet - in a way, the blogosphere does liken show business, it certainly has those types of elements to it. However, when the embellishment and personality doctoring actually uses a terminal disease as it’s punch line and dupes unsuspecting people into caring for the person, I have to say it makes my stomach turn.
Perhaps that this person chose cancer as the illness d’jour - and I happen to have several friends who are cancer survivers and one who actually died about three weeks ago - is what kind of got to me. You know there are people out there who have lost loved ones, lost body parts, or somehow managed to survive the hellatiousness that is cancer - so to pretend - well it’s just not cool. In fact, it’s downright evil.
Perhaps some of you would disagree and think I am over-reacting but I don’t think so. The intent is what you have to look at here folks - her intent was to trick you and use your good intentions against you in order to get something for herself. Sorry but I can’t see that as anything but evil. I will not accept excuses like depression (she just admitted that she doesn’t have cancer but we believe her when she says she has depression?) or drug abuse or being a drop out or slackerdom. The coming clean post was a joke - and honestly, how is it that she went from having horrible grammar and punctuation and syntax to suddenly writing a clear, concise and clean post about how she tricked us?
No, this person is not at all who she says she is. She wasn’t then and she isn’t now. I suspect the coming clean post was just about whatever her next scam is going to be. Last time it was cancer, now it’s depression. I say bullshit. Who wants to bet it is some 35 year loser who lives in his parent’s basement and searches for pictures of little kids on the internet? Think about it. Those weren’t sweet little lies she told and the next ones won’t be either. She’s in my spam box and shall remain there forever. Maybe you should think about it too.
Let the Handouts Begin!
Posted on November 12, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, acts of idiocy, are we idiots?, assclowns, dear santa
Well, heckfire folks, our savior is not even in office yet and already an early Christmas has begun. This little item and this little item shows that Congress really does believe in Santa Claus since apparently they want to emulate him.
My, my, universal healthcare, mandatory tithes to the UN and while we’re at it, let’s make sure all the companies who can’t keep their shit together get a little incentive (bail out) while we’re at it, eh? Noice… it’s giving me some very good ideas. I think I’ll start a public company, mismanage it, take a huge salary and then beg Congress to bail me out instead of throwing my ass in jail. I think it’s quite the workable plan, don’t you?
Grit may be right, the world will end in 2012. I do believe the meltdown is coming fast folks, implosion city no longer seems to be a sparkling bauble on a distant hill. Nope, it’s just down the street now.
Well, all I can say is Merry Christmas GM and thanks Congress for giving us a final farewell gift (for which we will undoubtedly be able to blame Bush) as we rapidly approach the end of the winter session. At least I hope it’s rapid, God knows we can’t afford too much more of your generosity - we have presents to buy too you know? Of course maybe we’ll get some discount coupons for something off the back lot as some sort of incentive to balance out all the increased taxes you’ll lay on us in order to pay for all these gifts, eh?
I think you may have to practice a might more to really get the Santa personna down though, specifically the lumps of coal angle, check the subject index in the Santa Handbook for that one. Just a tip. 
Oh and Nancy, I think it’s time to nix the close ups - it’s Merry Christmas, not scary Christmas.
Wake Me Up When It’s Over…
Posted on November 1, 2008 - Filed Under Election 2008, Politics, are we idiots?, assclowns, my opinions
Okay, so the ‘big election’ that apparently is going to make history is in just a few days. And in honor of that I am stepping just inside the lines of a political post… To say this has been the weirdest fricking election I’ve seen in my lifetime doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about this whole miserable ball of wax. Sorry folks, but as far as I’m concerned, neither side has even come close to getting it right, from the issues to the candidates it has been in my humble opinion one big fucking joke.
To say I’m pissed about the whole damn thing doesn’t begin to cover it. I’m pissed that we’ve been offered the choices (if you can call them that) we have and that stupid shit like universal healthcare, gas costs and gay marriage seem to be the most important things on the agenda this time out. When the hell did we stop caring about things that really fucking matter? Have we really just completely spiraled into total apathy and stopped giving a damn about anything real? Anything?
No matter what happens it won’t be good for any of us or for the country. I simply can’t drink the cool aid for the right, the left or the middle. They are all a bunch of losers and we have only ourselves to blame for letting people like this get anywhere near the Oval Office. Believe me, we will all live to regret it. I only hope we’re still alive to regret it. I’m not joking here, not at all.
I have a friend who keeps saying the only hope for this country is a clean slate. That literally the country needs to implode and I guess we’re talking revolution here - for things to right themselves. I’m beginning to think he may be right. We are so far afield of anything the Founding Fathers wanted for this country and its citizens and forget the Constitution because clearly our representatives have no clue what it says much less what it means.
My advice? Stock up on MRE’s, warm clothes and survival gear. iPods and cell phones aren’t going to be of any use and you might as well start weaning yourself off Starbux too. Meanwhile, I’ll be looking for a private island for me and my friends. Maybe we’ll be able to wait it out.
So…no matter who wins, we all lose. Wake me when it’s over. And please God, can it come soon!!
Is Brown the New Green?
Posted on September 9, 2008 - Filed Under are we idiots?, brain farts, bullshit, global warming, my opinions
I’ve been meaning to bring this up for a while. Sometime back I heard one of the incessant and ever present commercials you hear in California these days - about water shortages. A theme that I always find ironic, since we have thousands of miles of coastline with raging water right there. It’s drought season. Oh yeah, that’s right we have to get all vaklemped because we didn’t get enough rain. The ironic thing is that when we have lots of rain, far beyond our ‘normal’ annual rainfall, they are always very quick to point out that this in no way cancels any drought deficits we have built up - despite the fact that several people’s houses are sliding down hills right past their windows. Oh no, we must never admit that we actually have an abundance of anything - if we did, then how the heck would we scare the bageebers out of the general populace? And if we couldn’t do that, how the heck are we going to control them? Anyway, as usual, I digress.
So, I’m listening to this commercial going on about how we must, must, must conserve on water because now that is in short supply (despite the fact that we get most of our water from the Colorado river, eh?) and how we must refrain from watering plants, lawns and other unnecessary green items, so we won’t all die from dehydration or something. And besides, how will we water all those plants growing on the side of the freeways if we actually water our own plants and lawns?
But it got me thinking…don’t you see the irony here? I mean, the whole thrust is that we want to go more green, right? All over the country and perhaps the world, we are hearing about how the trees are all being chopped down and that is going to rip an even bigger hole in the ozone layer (btw, I heard that is actually repairing itself, who knew?) so, yes, let’s plant a lot of trees and get that oxygen level up folks - but ooops, I think trees actually need water in order to grow. In fact, all plants need more water to grow. So if you pull out your lawn and put down concrete, in order to save water, aren’t you contributing to higher ambient temps? Plants and greenery do not conduct heat, so they actually contribute to cooling ambient temps - also they produce water as well, right? Concrete, not so much. See my dilemma here?
So how in the hell does either letting your lawn/plants go to a dry mass of brown contribute to helping to ’stop global warming’? The answer is it doesn’t. And the truth is, IMHO is that it is not about conservation, preventing global warming or any of that - it is just about control. Apparently we are all so stupid that if anybody throws in the term global warming that we, like Pavlov’s dogs will react and do what we are told. We will not use our own common sense, we will simply believe that we must do our part in battling the impending doom of the planet drying up like a 70 year old virgin. My ass.
And what are we saving the water for? Some guy who fifty years from now is going to be thirsty? I think not. Seriously, if you told a farmer or a gardener that the way to have plants in the future would be to save all their seeds or use as few of them as possible they’d hit you over the head with a rake or tractor or something. Life begets life. Death begets death. If we have to kill the very things that supposedly sustain life on this planet, in order to have a more sound planet and a better quality of life, then sorry I’m just not down with that. Are you? It’s just too stupid for words.
