Prediction, Predictions, Who’s Got ‘Em?
Posted on December 30, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, are we idiots?, assclowns, brain farts, predictions
A new year is just about here and given the year that we just had, I can’t even imagine what might happen next…well, actually maybe I can imagine. As I did last year and the year before that, I offer the following predictions as but a tiny slice of the fun and games I believe is coming in a future near you.
1. Hillary Clinton will bitch-slap lil Kim of N. Korea for grabbing the last lamb chop at her first televised state dinner.
2. OJ Simpson now hopelessly incarcerated for a bogus crime to pay for the crime he actually committed but was acquitted of, will start his own religion which will emphasize starting the day with fruit juice.
3. A Congressional Oversight Committee will be formed to investigate the suspicious use and possible abuse of powdered sugar in the pastry industry.
4. Hyper-miling will become mandatory in the state of California, which will really make it easier to talk on the cell phones.
5. Bigfoot will be discovered and captured and after extensive DNA testing it will be found to be the illegitimate offspring of Teddy Kennedy and Janet Reno.
6. Jesse Jackson will ‘come out’ via a tell-all memoir in which he will admit to having a long standing love affair with the Reverand Al Sharpton.
7. Silver back Gorrillas, previously believed to be a vanishing species will launch a surprise takeover of urban America by using a network of ape cells secretly formed in zoos across the country.
8. President-elect Obama will be proven to not be a natural citizen of the United States and deemed ineligible to be President. An ‘emergency’ election will be held and once again, Hillary will get yet another chance at the brass ring.
9. Honda will open its first factory in China and consequently have the largest recall in auto manufacturing history, which will bankrupt them. Congress will bail them out to ensure China’s economy is saved.
10. Virtual cheating will become bonafide grounds for divorce and affect child custody cases as well.
11. Several members of Congress will be disagnosed with a new mental affliction known as BOBS (bail out blues syndrome) which inexplicably causes them to break out into rousing show tunes on the House and Senate floors.
12. Hundreds of hats will wash up on the Jersey shore, confounding local law enforcement, neccesitating calling in the FBI to pursue and apprehend (who the press have deemed) the Mad Hatter. (Clue: look for rabbits)
13. Joe the Plumber will land his own reality television show called “My Two Cents.” The contestants will be a bunch of sissy ass whiners worried about the erosion of their personal freedoms and about which people don’t really give a shit. The whiner most popular with the media wins and of course gets a check for two cents as prize money.
14. Global warming will strike once again and the East Coast will experience the most temperate winter in weather recorded history. Conversely, California will close all freeways during a state of emergency called because of snow storms. Bob sleds will become the new ‘green’ commuter busses.
As always, feel free to add to the list. Happy New Year!
Sweet Little Lies…
Posted on December 10, 2008 - Filed Under Blogging, are we idiots?, assclowns, bullshit, burn in hell, dasterdly deeds, evil bloodsuckers, liars
As many of you probably know, there is a blogger who has recently ‘come clean’ about some pretty serious lies she has been telling us. Specifically she claimed to have cancer, dead relatives and parental abuse in her life. With the recent coming clean post we have learned that she has none of the above. And is, in fact, a drop out slacker who says she gets depressed so she has to get people to feel sorry for her about imaginary illnesses and life circumstances in order to have friends.
This is the type of person we are all warned about prowling the internet. The liar. The one who invents some sort of pathetic and sympathy-inducing life so that people will pay attention to them. Now, I don’t suppose I have too much trouble with someone embellishing or even creating a personna on the internet - in a way, the blogosphere does liken show business, it certainly has those types of elements to it. However, when the embellishment and personality doctoring actually uses a terminal disease as it’s punch line and dupes unsuspecting people into caring for the person, I have to say it makes my stomach turn.
Perhaps that this person chose cancer as the illness d’jour - and I happen to have several friends who are cancer survivers and one who actually died about three weeks ago - is what kind of got to me. You know there are people out there who have lost loved ones, lost body parts, or somehow managed to survive the hellatiousness that is cancer - so to pretend - well it’s just not cool. In fact, it’s downright evil.
Perhaps some of you would disagree and think I am over-reacting but I don’t think so. The intent is what you have to look at here folks - her intent was to trick you and use your good intentions against you in order to get something for herself. Sorry but I can’t see that as anything but evil. I will not accept excuses like depression (she just admitted that she doesn’t have cancer but we believe her when she says she has depression?) or drug abuse or being a drop out or slackerdom. The coming clean post was a joke - and honestly, how is it that she went from having horrible grammar and punctuation and syntax to suddenly writing a clear, concise and clean post about how she tricked us?
No, this person is not at all who she says she is. She wasn’t then and she isn’t now. I suspect the coming clean post was just about whatever her next scam is going to be. Last time it was cancer, now it’s depression. I say bullshit. Who wants to bet it is some 35 year loser who lives in his parent’s basement and searches for pictures of little kids on the internet? Think about it. Those weren’t sweet little lies she told and the next ones won’t be either. She’s in my spam box and shall remain there forever. Maybe you should think about it too.
Let the Handouts Begin!
Posted on November 12, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, acts of idiocy, are we idiots?, assclowns, dear santa
Well, heckfire folks, our savior is not even in office yet and already an early Christmas has begun. This little item and this little item shows that Congress really does believe in Santa Claus since apparently they want to emulate him.
My, my, universal healthcare, mandatory tithes to the UN and while we’re at it, let’s make sure all the companies who can’t keep their shit together get a little incentive (bail out) while we’re at it, eh? Noice… it’s giving me some very good ideas. I think I’ll start a public company, mismanage it, take a huge salary and then beg Congress to bail me out instead of throwing my ass in jail. I think it’s quite the workable plan, don’t you?
Grit may be right, the world will end in 2012. I do believe the meltdown is coming fast folks, implosion city no longer seems to be a sparkling bauble on a distant hill. Nope, it’s just down the street now.
Well, all I can say is Merry Christmas GM and thanks Congress for giving us a final farewell gift (for which we will undoubtedly be able to blame Bush) as we rapidly approach the end of the winter session. At least I hope it’s rapid, God knows we can’t afford too much more of your generosity - we have presents to buy too you know? Of course maybe we’ll get some discount coupons for something off the back lot as some sort of incentive to balance out all the increased taxes you’ll lay on us in order to pay for all these gifts, eh?
I think you may have to practice a might more to really get the Santa personna down though, specifically the lumps of coal angle, check the subject index in the Santa Handbook for that one. Just a tip. 
Oh and Nancy, I think it’s time to nix the close ups - it’s Merry Christmas, not scary Christmas.
Wake Me Up When It’s Over…
Posted on November 1, 2008 - Filed Under Election 2008, Politics, are we idiots?, assclowns, my opinions
Okay, so the ‘big election’ that apparently is going to make history is in just a few days. And in honor of that I am stepping just inside the lines of a political post… To say this has been the weirdest fricking election I’ve seen in my lifetime doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about this whole miserable ball of wax. Sorry folks, but as far as I’m concerned, neither side has even come close to getting it right, from the issues to the candidates it has been in my humble opinion one big fucking joke.
To say I’m pissed about the whole damn thing doesn’t begin to cover it. I’m pissed that we’ve been offered the choices (if you can call them that) we have and that stupid shit like universal healthcare, gas costs and gay marriage seem to be the most important things on the agenda this time out. When the hell did we stop caring about things that really fucking matter? Have we really just completely spiraled into total apathy and stopped giving a damn about anything real? Anything?
No matter what happens it won’t be good for any of us or for the country. I simply can’t drink the cool aid for the right, the left or the middle. They are all a bunch of losers and we have only ourselves to blame for letting people like this get anywhere near the Oval Office. Believe me, we will all live to regret it. I only hope we’re still alive to regret it. I’m not joking here, not at all.
I have a friend who keeps saying the only hope for this country is a clean slate. That literally the country needs to implode and I guess we’re talking revolution here - for things to right themselves. I’m beginning to think he may be right. We are so far afield of anything the Founding Fathers wanted for this country and its citizens and forget the Constitution because clearly our representatives have no clue what it says much less what it means.
My advice? Stock up on MRE’s, warm clothes and survival gear. iPods and cell phones aren’t going to be of any use and you might as well start weaning yourself off Starbux too. Meanwhile, I’ll be looking for a private island for me and my friends. Maybe we’ll be able to wait it out.
So…no matter who wins, we all lose. Wake me when it’s over. And please God, can it come soon!!
A “Bail-Out” Plan I Could Get Behind
Posted on October 4, 2008 - Filed Under adventure, assclowns, bail out, brain farts, creative financing, my opinions
(My friend Jenny sent this in an email - it’s a thought????)
The Federal Reserve is a private company as are those receiving the proposed stolen money on Wall Street. They do not work for us. The Treasury Secretary is from Goldman Sachs. Per USA today, Chris Dodd, Chair of the Senate Banking Committee, has received over $13 million from financial services lobbyists, and a total of over $43 million from all lobbyists. You think he can make a unprejudiced decision?
We all must act now to stop the greatest heist in history!
OKAY YOU ECONOMISTS, AND SMART NUMBER CRUNCHERS WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS PROPOSAL!!!
Are you against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG? Me too!
Instead, give $85,000,000,000 to Americans in a We Deserve It Dividend. To make the math simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 Bona fide U.S. Citizens 18+.
Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up…
So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.
The plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.
Of course, it would NOT be tax free.
So let’s assume a tax rate of 30%.
Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.
But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
A husband and wife has $595,000.00.
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
Pay off your mortgage – housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans – what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college – it’ll be there
Save in a bank – create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car – creates jobs!!
Invest in the market – capital drives growth
Pay for your parent’s medical insurance – health care improves
Enables Deadbeat Dads to come clean – or else
Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces. If we’re going to re-distribute wealth let’s really do it…instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( “vote buy” ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President. If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, let’s bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!
As for AIG – liquidate it. Sell off its parts. Let American General go back to being American General. Sell off the real estate. Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up. Here’s the rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn’t. Sure it’s a crazy idea that can “never work.” But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party! How do you spell Economic Boom? I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion -We Deserve It Dividend more than do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC. And remember, This plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.
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And just in case, that doesn’t ring your chimes, go here to watch a ridiculous video created by a friend of mine who has way too much time on his hand.
The Art of Parenthood
Posted on September 15, 2008 - Filed Under acts of idiocy, assclowns, society
The following pictures were sent to me by an (appalled) friend in an email. The idea was that it was funny…
I never gave birth to any children but I did raise a couple and they’d go out naked before they’d leave the house sporting a tee shirt like this. How old do you figure she is? Six? Seven? Won’t she make some lucky guy a wonderful mate some day?
Okay, so a family that hates together mates together. What slays me is the little one on the right, what is she two or three - she’s using the wrong finger of course, but I’ll bet it won’t be long before she has the routine down pat. I’m thinking Mom of the Year for the chick in the green dress, how about you?
Listen, I know that child care is expensive and sometimes kids get underfoot - but don’t you think the parent should actually know that their child is a human being? I can only imagine what a lovely teenager he will be and how the parents will be quite forlorn over the way he acts.
Yup, start ‘em young - but the glass seems a might large.
I can’t even comment on this, except to say, sometimes you shouldn’t always follow through on what you think is a brilliantly funny idea.
No wonder kindergarten kids are getting hit with sexual harrassment suits.
I hate to sound like one of those old fuddy duddies who don’t like people to have fun and such but I seriously couldn’t imagine myself having my children in pictures like these, or in these situations, much less be passing them around the internet. Sorry, but some people should not have children. No. Way. No.
Burgers Don’t Make You Cry
Posted on June 8, 2008 - Filed Under Life, assclowns, life metaphor
I almost cried
when they forgot my burger
The girl was mean
and snippy
Which didn’t help
but that isn’t why
I almost cried
It was the one man
who kindly asked
“How are you doing?”
It made me think
of how I was doing-
Not good
would have been
the correct answer
Instead, I forced an
‘appreciate your asking’ smile
and turned away
Let them think
I almost cried over
a stupid-ass burger
Better that than
share my pain
Strangers don’t like that
Makes them uncomfortable
Don’t want to peek into the windows
of your life
Lest they see something
that makes them reach
out and connect
Lest they turn their attention
to an intersection not
named ME
I ate my burger
moved to a
different table
letting them all think
burgers can make
people cry
Leaving them with a
story they could take home
with them
when they needed some small talk.
Protected: It’s Not Just Content You’re Stealing…
Posted on February 23, 2008 - Filed Under Blogging, assclowns, splogging, theives
Bring in the Clones…
Posted on February 11, 2008 - Filed Under WTF?, assclowns, brain farts
I’m sure by now, most of you have heard the exciting news that we will soon be eating cloned cow, pig and goat. If not, you can catch up here. I for one, am very excited about this new and innovative development. Just think, not only can we have our own favorite milk cow, Bessie - but we can also enjoy her as a steak, rump roast or tenderloin - whilst she still moos in the barn out yonder. It’s a win-win situation, right?
Wrong! Call me crazy, but I have an icky meter that goes off the dial at the very thought of eating cloned food. The argument they make is that it’s just like any other food - other food (they say) is bred through artificial insemination, what’s the diff? Hmmm…maybe because we’re eating a science project. Also what about the inbreeding? You ever have a pedigree animal? They’re froot loops- because (like the royal family) they have been inbred so many times that that line from China Town hits a little too close to the home.
Besides that, it isn’t hard to make cows, or sheep or pigs or any of those edible varmits. We’ve been growing them for a long time and before we came along, they were growing themselves just fine. What is the actual need to clone animals? Based on what the article says they cost 20 times what it costs for a regular animal. So, where’s the motivation? Are they stuffing them with other super ingredients that will make us be more agreeable? That will make us learn to like and trust our politicians? Or something else equally insane?
Are they working out a super market chain for China? Really, why bother if the costs are so prohibitive and the general public is grossed out by the very notion? Inquiring minds want to know.
Personally, I don’t like people engineering my food. I am a good enough cook that I don’t need the extra help. As it is, they already stuff the real ones with hormones and God knows what - so what is going to be in a fake one? And what will we come to call this food? Instead of a cheeseburger we’ll have clone burgers, instead of meatloaf, it will be cloneloaf, prime-clone? t-bone imitation meat? The marketing challenges will be something to overcome to be sure.
Though, now that it’s been approved, with our luck the government won’t require the suppliers to tell us it’s cloned. And it probably won’t be until we all start walking into walls, waking up in the middle of the night with an irrational urge to moo and develop obsessions with grass that they start to rethink it. By then, too, they’ll be a whole litany of odd and strange diseases that people will sue the clone factories for giving them by secretly force-feeding them magic meat.
I have to hand it to them for pulling it off because I mean, how does one even think of such things, let alone do them? But honestly, why didn’t they decide to clone something useful, like gasoline, heating oil, or fifty dollar bills? Now that would be a science project I could get behind. WC
The Impossible Dream
Posted on February 9, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, assclowns, funny pics
Sorry, couldn’t resist. H.T. to Free. WC 
Update: Oh and if you want to see how entertaining Hillary can be click here. *snicker*
