Is This You?
Posted on November 3, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, bad hair day, brain farts
Is This You?
- Feelings of inadequacy?
- Suffer from shyness?
- You sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting
(H.T. to my friend Jenny from Texas - Have a good Monday, folks!)
Heads Up
Posted on October 11, 2008 - Filed Under Blogging, Dear Readers..., bad hair day
Hi Guys,
This is a quick one. Our dear friend and fellow blogger Joan Harvest asked me to pass on a message to you all. Sadly, her son has hit a rough patch and has reverted to drug use once again. Naturally, this is a distressing situation for Joanie and she’s not really feeling up to blogging right now. And she wanted you all to know that she is taking a few days to sort things out and will be back blogging then.
She loves you all and do feel free to send her an email if you like, to say hi and so forth. In her words:
If you could just let everyone know that Damon is in rehab, that I’m fine but need a little break from blogging but I will be back and if anyone wants to e-mail me that would be fine too. I just don’t want everyone to think I’ve disappeared. I also don’t want to put it on my blog. I have to respect Damon’s wishes. He has a friend who reads the blog and might tell others in town and he wants to just keep it quiet. I just can’t think of anything to write on my blog now. My mind seems to just be on Damon
So Joanie, you take care of yourself and if you need anything just let us know and we’ll be there for you, hon.
10 Reasons Why Depression is Good for Your Skin
Posted on September 30, 2008 - Filed Under acts of idiocy, bad hair day, brain farts, satire
So this week has been bitch and moan week for me. Oh the drama. On the other hand I look simply mahvelous, so I can only conclude that my sad mood has been good for my skin. Think I”m kidding? Nope, and here’s why:
1. You don’t smile - thereby avoiding those pesky laugh lines that leave tracks around your eyes.
2. You’re too sad to talk and it’s impossible to read through your tears, so you sleep. Sleep rejuvenates the body, helps to grow new cells and gets rid of the puffiness around your eyes that you got while you were happy and up all night, managing on 3 hours of sleep.
3. You extend your beauty routine in order to make yourself feel better, so you slough more, moisturize more, give yourself facials and pop for mannies and peddies, again to make yourself feel better.
4. People leave you alone lest they have to console you or something, which gives you space, which gives you peace, which gives your skin a very dewy look.
5. Because you feel like crap you are spurned to ‘cleanse’ the body, therefore you begin drinking water with slices of lemon, swap coffee for herbal tea and nibble on salad because you have no appetite.
6. Because people are leaving you alone and it’s too much of a chore to read or do anything you dig out all of your chick flicks and watch them non-stop. You thereby expose yourself to an over-supply of romance, happy endings and things turning out right (instead of how they really turn out) - this quickens your pulse, thereby increasing the blood flow and circulation which equals a rosy complexion.
7. You call all your girlfriends, many of whom you haven’t spoken to in months, the console, commiserate and help to really pump up your self-esteem. Again, this quickens the pulse, increases the blood flow, gives you back your swagger and does wonders for those fine lines.
8. Because you are railing against that which is making you sad, you decide you must change everything about your life. You throw away all your clothes (except for the really nice designer items, good shoes and bags) which necessitates a huge shopping binge. Since you are depressed you don’t care that you are putting it all on your credit card and nothing makes your skin wake up like a new wardrobe.
9. Since you’ve already dropped a wad of credit on a new wardrobe, you feel that you must take the makeover to completion, so you go to the most expensive salon in town and get a brand new edgy cut and color, while wearing your new clothes and walk out feeling like a super model. Definitely good for the skin. Are you feeling all rosy and glowy yet?
10. And to top it all off you make an appointment with that hunky massage dude Sven, who is a golden god with rippling muscles and during your hour and a half massage you have the best fantasy you’ve had in years and you’re rosy from head to toe.
See, I’m telling you feeling bad has it’s upside. 
Note: This is satire, I am not making fun of people with real depression, I am making fun of myself. In case you were wondering.
I Got Nothin’
Posted on September 18, 2008 - Filed Under Blogging, bad hair day, empty head
Okay, so this week my brain has been completely empty of all discernible thought. I’ve sat here and sat here trying to think of something, interesting, witty, funny, profound and even stupid to say and well….I’ve got nothin’
Zero, Zilch, Zip. Nothing there folks. The well is dry. I currently can’t put two words together that make any sense and well shit, sorry. If anybody has any ideas, thoughts or suggestions, I’m open - as long as it doesn’t involve mud wrestling midgets.
Bone Tired
Posted on July 16, 2008 - Filed Under bad hair day, brain farts, crap!
Ever hear the term? The first time I did was from my friend Vicky who explained it to be an exhaustion so utterly deep that it went right on down to the bones. Okay, so if you looked that up in the dictionary you would see my dragging ass pictured there. I. Am. Bone. Tired.
I have had many long and romantic dances with insomnia in my life and after a while had come to accept that there would always be periods in my life where I simply couldn’t sleep. No matter how many vitamins I took, potions I drank or exercise I did. No tips or tricks have ever had any lasting workability and I think I’ve tried them all. Even booze, an old favorite isn’t a good one for me because it makes me so dizzy that that keeps me awake.
But I have to say of all the insomnias I’ve had, this week quite possibly gets the prize. Between the shit that is flying here and there, I’ve also had some particularly intense and great conversations with friends, a creative jag that has had me scribbling over anything that could even remotely considered a writing surface and then there was a massive canibal incident in the frog swamp that got me going.
I know you folks haven’t seen much of me around - and for that I am sorry. I keep meaning to get by - wanting to read and inter-relate but by the time I get to it, my eyeballs are bleeding and my head is stuffed with mental cotton candy. I’m hoping tonight is the night I actually get some sleep. That I’m not wondering around the house again at 3a.m. just like a zombie out for their nightly bloodfest.
Cuz, let’s face it, things do seem better when you can actually comprehend the world around you.
Anyway, like the saying goes…’if you see something dragging, don’t step on it, cuz that’s my ass.’
Suprise, Shock & Horror
Posted on July 15, 2008 - Filed Under Life, bad hair day, in my head, my opinions
Despite my tendency toward ascerbic humor and wise-assedness - there has always been a part of me that is trusting and guileless (long may she live). So, it is always a suprise when life bitch slaps me in the face and screams, “Open your eyes, you idiot!”
Oh no, I don’t want to look, there, I think. Please, just go away and leave me to my bubble. It’s so nice and insulated here, can’t you just please leave me alone?
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Sometimes, my big bubble is burst on a daily basis and sometimes in a big and most alarming way. A way so obvious and looming that I simply cannot live in the State of Denial any longer. (And really, have you been to the State of Denial? It’s gorgeous, peaceful, has very low taxes and crime rates and is very affordable.)
But…as usual, I digress…
Recently, I’ve had a couple of big bubble bursts (the details of which aren’t neccesary to enumerate here) and a really surprising thing happened: It didn’t destroy my world. I didn’t have to retire to my bed with the woe-is-me-flu and a bottle of Advil. In truth, I’m taking it all pretty calmly .
I don’t know how, where or when, but I’ve come to see that one person, event or even tragedy does not bring my world to a heart-stopping end. No. It doesn’t. It can sure muck up the works sometimes but I’ve got plenty of 409, so clean up isn’t that hard to accomplish.
And while it might be a pain in the ass or worse, a pain in the heart, I know that, this too shall pass.
Maybe I’ve just realized that every one of us have our own special brand of hell - and it’s the thing that binds us, rather than separates us. That my pain is not more special than others’, nor is misery my exclusive real estate but rather a commune in which we all have a timeshare.
A surprise, shock and horror to the little bubble does suck, but it only destroys you if you let it. Don’t let it.
Apologies - Theme Fridays
Posted on July 11, 2008 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, bad hair day, imagination, original fiction, theme fridays
Apologies
rhymes with…
Swallow knees (how would you?)
Hollow sneeze (God bless you)
Apollo cheese (dairy products for only astronauts - like tang and instant?)
Wallow please (I do, and often)
Apologies, I don’t like them. Getting them. Giving them. It’s always an embarrassment for both sides. I’d rather have a time machine that would take that time back, only those few seconds when the words were uttered and/or the actions were done. Just like a movie director, I could yell “cut!” and then we could do a retake. Edit out all those mis-statements, mean thoughts, wrong steps. Where I could correct the lighting and all of it would be photo perfect again.
Life would be better if it were a movie. There would always be a happy ending and the right people would end up with each other and the music would always be context appropriate. Popcorn, coca cola and hot dogs would not be taboo foods - and except for the occasional idiot who forgot to turn off his cell phone, we could all sit in the dark, ah and ooh and feel entertained and safe, relaxed and happy.
No, I don’t like apologies nor the things that make them necessary.
For apologies from Jess, go here and for apologies from christine, go here.
Gobsmacked - Scammed Again
Posted on June 21, 2008 - Filed Under bad hair day, copywriting, dasterdly deeds
I consider myself an intelligent person, so whenever someone manages to trick me I feel utterly gobsmacked. A couple of months back, I was contacted by an internet marketing company to which I’d submitted a resume. The man I spoke to was charming, funny and you got a sense right off that he was regular folk. Someone you could be friends with. Good, right?
After we hung up, he immediately sent a contract and some tax forms, which I filled out and sent back the next day. Then I didn’t hear from the fellow for over a week - just when I was about to give him up for lost. Again, he was charming and offered reasonable excuses which I accepted. After all, I wanted the work and he complimented me quite a bit on my blog which he said he had been reading.
Then a couple more weeks went by and again, as I was about to give him up for lost, the phone rang. He had work for me. And wasn’t I delighted to hear about that? He offered me a price, which I accepted and told him to send the info and it turned out to be a pretty healthy chunk of work, which I finished in about three days. They were press releases, not the main type of work he had called me about but some ‘extra’ work that he thought he’d throw my way. He also told me there would be no delay on the pay and that I had only to send him and invoice and as soon as he got it, he would write me a check and send it off. Okay, this is the part that gets dicey. A few days go by and no check. He is only two states over from me and 5 days certainly should have been enough time, since I emailed him the invoice with the last press release. Oh, and he’d already assured me that the client loved the work. So, what was the problem?
The client was out of town and they hadn’t paid him yet - but oh the other work was going to be a go in a few days and again being the anxious writer I was, I let the fact slip that our agreement was that he would pay the invoice on delivery, not when his client paid him. Stupidly, I began the other work and worked on it flat out for four days and go it to him 4 days ahead of schedule. No acknowledgement, no thank you for the work, nothing. When I finally called him he said he hadn’t had time to look at it - which was odd since the deadline he’d given me had passed. If that was the deadline wouldn’t it have made sense for him to have looked at it/edited it? I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach but I’d invested time and work (all of which he had) and I had to continue to believe this was all going to work out fine.
The next day he sent me the pages with his edits, but he also sent me the pages of the other writer on the project and I saw that our pages were vastly different. It worried me that he hadn’t mentioned it - he hadn’t given me any guidelines, though I’d asked for them. But since he seemed okay with the pages I let it pass. He told me that once the client approved, he’d send out a check (which was the agreement). I also asked him about the check for the previous work and he said he was still waiting for his client to pay me.
Then I got a somewhat hysterical call from him two days later, saying the pages were wrong and claiming I’d lifted copy off another dentist’s website - which not only shocked me but made me feel sick to my stomach, as I didn’t lift anything from anywhere. I assured him that wasn’t the case and I offered to rewrite the pages more to the style of the other writer and he said okay. I rewrote the pages (50 of them) in about 36 hours. Just as I was ten pages from completion he called again and apologized for being so worked up and claimed he’d quit smoking and that’s why he’d been so anxious. I told him not to worry about it and finished the pages. I sent them the next day.
The day after that I recieved a cc of a mass email sent to all the writers saying payment had been scheduled and would be sent out Monday. Well, as it turned out it took 10 days for the payment to reach me and it was only for the previous ‘extra’ work - not for the pages.
When I called him again, he said the client was paying on the 15th (of May) and he would cut the checks the next day. The 15th was only few days away so I agreed, even though he’d had the pages for three weeks and they were already on his client’s website.
Well, and the rest of the story is this, after continually calling and emailing and getting false assurances that the check is on the way time and again, there is no check and I’m pretty sure there won’t ever be a check and that he never intended to pay me in the first place. Quite possibly the only reason he paid me the first check was in order to get me to do the work on the bigger project, realizing he couldnt’ stall me any longer and I wouldn’t deliver on the bigger job if he didn’t pay me the small check.
After reading this, you’re probably thinking, duh. And you’d be right to think so. You’d think that all the signs were pointing in the wrong direction and I should have seen them. And I did, sort of…but the guy was just so darn likeable and I just didn’t want to believe he was a shit. I just didn’t want to believe that somebody I liked would do something so shitty - that I’d been so naive and easy to take in.
So, what I’ve learned from this experience as well as a few others is this: Writers are often treated poorly, especially those who are striking out on their own newly and needy for work, the pay offered is close to being an insult and then not getting the small amount offered is even worse. From here on out, I don’t care if the person is charming or not, in fact, I may just shy away from charming perspective clients, I may just look for the just the facts, kind of client who sticks to business and keeps his word. And I will never ever work again on spec - if that means I get less offers than I guess it does. If that means I get no offers, that’s fine too because I can always go get a conventional job if I have to. But from here on out, a deposit is required for my services.
My advice to any writers out there, looking for work, don’t fall for this type of scam - they treat you nice and act like your friend but all they really want is work for free - even if he does utlimately end up paying me, it’s now been seven weeks since I completed the work and turned it in to him, yet he was paid by his client over a month ago. Is this the kind of client you want? I don’t think so.
As a writer you have to value your own work before someone else will. This writer has just begun doing that, as of now. I hope you do too.
Vahklemped
Posted on June 11, 2008 - Filed Under bad hair day, brain farts
Okay, so I’ve spent the entire evening trying to post a simple video. In fact, it is an awesome video and the darn thing won’t post. I’ve used the old fashioned way, using the brackets - I used both of the new fangled icon thingies in the visual text editor and the best I get is a link to the video.
I went to the forums, I’ve downloaded a plugin, I’ve had numerous email swaps with my blog expert connection and it just won’t cooperate.
I even went to the old blog and tried posting it, and there it worked like a charm -
But not here, on the big girl’s blog.
Anybody have any enlightening advice? Really? Anybody?
Oy!
I’m Cursed!
Posted on November 6, 2007 - Filed Under WTF?, bad hair day, brain farts
Okay, so I don’t know what the heck is going on but I’m starting to think somebody has put some voodoo on me.
You may remember that I bought a ‘new’ car just a few months ago. I was very excited because it was pretty and I was assured that Toyotas were indestructible and were low maintenance. I got the car a bit undermarket and all seemed well.
I got the car at the end of March. On Easter morning, whilst I slept, some large vehicle hit the car, smashing the left tail light and leaving two inch gashes in the top of the back left panel - scraping the paint down to the bare steel.
I started parking the drive and decided to live with the dents. Then I noticed there were little oil leaks in the spot where I parked. I took it to the mechanic and he said it needed a seal replaced - well it turned out to a lot more and $470 dollars later I got the car back. Two weeks later it was still leaking, I took it back. They couldn’t find the source of the leak so I left it for the day for them to check it out. They steam cleaned the engine and let it do its thing for a while to find the leak. Nope, nothing. I picked it up. On the drive home, the ‘check engine’ light comes on so I bring it back the next day. It needs an alternator - a mere $200 for that.
Then last week as I was driving home the other day I thought to myself that maybe the car wasn’t so bad and that it had been pretty good (except that it was still leaving oil in the driveway but nobody could find a leak so that must have been my imagination) and literally within 30 seconds, I tapped my breaks and it did this weird pull to the left and made a funny sound. Yep, back to the mechanic. I told them to do the brakes, told them what was happening and told them if it was worse than the brakes to call me.
An hour later they called - the hub bearing was messed up - so I told them to fix it. So, that was Friday and another $406.
Today (Tuesday) as I was leaving the staff parking going down the steeply inclined driveway I get a wicked grinding on the right side. So, not only do I get to miss a day of work (and pay) but I also get to pay more for whatever the hell is wrong with it this time.
Oh and I did I mention that the software that we use for appointments and billing at work went belly up on Friday. And then yesterday, my assistant’s computer broke? And in the last 6 months I’ve gained 30 pounds inexplicably? And I think I mentioned the agent’s rejection after taking 4 fricking months with it.
Oh yeah and the car I had before this one - was old and I’d sunk about $2000 into that one in the previous year, which made me think I needed to just get another car and forget about all the repair bills.
So…tell me, am I cursed or what? What have I done to anger the universe so severely? Am I just bad? Do I deserve it? Should I just become a gansta and go with the flow?
Criminy!
WC
