Users, Abusers & Losers
Posted on October 27, 2008 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, dasterdly deeds, evil bloodsuckers, temporary insanity
I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a few notable “users” in my journey through life. They are very wiley creatures and often hard to spot. Mainly because they have the ‘dodge’ down pat.
Some of them are so good that it seems no matter what they do to you (or others) they always receive forgiveness. Only to do it all again. And again. Because you see, they have perfected the ability to use your good intentions against you.
My most notable user was a woman, let’s call her A, okay? We met while working in the same restaurant and the woman was absolutely mystifying to me. She had a certain charm and wisdom about her that drew people to her and I was one of them and soon became one of her disciples. Spitting out chunks of her philosophy at everyone else in my life. Alienating several real friends, who, thank God, later forgave me my insanity.
This particular connection was years long and there were several attempts on my part to break away. Crazy as it may sound, I felt powerless to remove her from my life even though I knew I had to, I just couldn’t sever the tie. It was as though, despite all the abuses (such as constant demeanment, selling my possessions, telling others I was untrustworthy, criticisms of my goals, informing me that my dream of being a writer was ridiculous, among others) I feared I would somehow cease to exist if I broke away from her. Co-dependent does not begin to describe this relationship.
The final straw came when I arrived home (we were room mates) to discover that many of my possessions were in the driveway being tagged for sale. While I’d been at work, she took what she thought I didn’t need and was adding those things to her pile of stuff for a garage sale the next day. Something just snapped in me and I saw this woman for what she really was - a self-absorbed, conscienceless creature who would do anything to anyone to feed her need for self-importance. Someone who would never be truly happy unless everyone around her was under her control.
A user and abuser, but in truth a loser because she would never understand, appreciate or experience true friendship and mutual respect.
After that, it was easy to break away and never feel the inclination to reconnect. Although it took years to repair the many bridges I’d burned with others, I was happy to make amends to my real friends and God bless them, for their forgiveness.
And I’m here to tell you, having a person like this in your life can ruin it and you. Life is too short and too wonderful to have this type of person around. And while I’ve encountered a few others of this ilk since then, their shelf life was considerably shorter because I saw them for what they were. Moving them out of my life without a thought, which resulted in the almost instant return of my well being and joy in life.
How about you? Any of these folks in your life? If so, maybe it’s time to clean house.
Does Time Matter?
Posted on October 22, 2008 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, adventure, life metaphor, possibilities
Through the ages mankind has always had an issue with time. I know I have and I’m part of mankind so there is at least some truth in the above statement. Much of our lives are built around time too, time clocks, alarms clocks, pocket watches, Times Square, lunch time, break time, quitting time. Aarrrgggh time, time, time controls us and we don’t ever have enough of it for the things we want.
It pervades our language - the clock is ticking, time waits for no man, the time has come, all in due time,
in the nick of time, marking time, time is running out, just in time and many more examples exist. Face it kids, we’re stuck in time - oops there’s another one.
It makes me wonder if this universe is rigged with this time thing, you know? I mean maybe the great god of creation or whatever Supreme Being you happen to believe in set it up so we could just get things done. An arbitrary measure or adversary against which we could race, bet, think, do? It’s possible. Because really what is the point of time? What does it really mean in the longrun? That you can only have so many days to do something, to get something to create something. That once that arbitrary measure runs out so does your opportunities? It’s true that bodies age and with that so does our sense of time, possibly our inspiration to do things, achieve things or maybe we just get tired? On the other hand there are those out there who seem to defy time, look and act years younger than they are.
So maybe time has some aspect of agreement involved in it? You know like, you agree that time passes and things age as time passes and things change as time passes and stuff like that. But do they really? Is that really true or just a little game we’ve made up as part of the bigger game of life? I can think of dozens of examples of when I bent time so to speak.
Like I was running late and I had to, had to, had to be at a place at a certain time. Magically all the lights were green, the traffic disappeared, a parking spot appears right in front of the building. Or mom is coming over in fifteen minutes and somehow I’ve managed to clean the house before she gets there, or the man of your dreams finally calls and you’re showered, shaved and wriggled into that sexy little black dress in ten minutes flat. The fireman that manages to get the baby out of a burning building despite the impossiblity of it? And a million other examples that I’m sure you could think of in your own life.
More and more I’ve started to think that time is the enemy but not in the classical sense - not that it is going to beat me but my belief in its importance is going to beat me or us. It’s more a matter of the thinking, that it’s too late for a goal to be realized, for love, for happiness, for change, for a clean start, for anything really. I don’t believe that anymore and I’m glad. I think that time is starting to become my pet instead of the other way around. I will treat it nicely if it behaves and if it doesn’t then no desert for it.
How about you?
Lightning
Posted on October 15, 2008 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, Dreams, joy, love
Sometimes lightning strikes, without warning or premonition.
It streaks the sky with an energy unique and all consuming.
And it carries you away to a world you might never have known.
A wonderful world. A beautiful world that is rare and foreign but feels like home. And you can never be the same once you’ve been there and learned the secrets of lightning.
Once it becomes part of you, your spirit, your soul. And you never want to be the same.
The lightning got me and I’m never going back.
Food For Thought…
Posted on October 9, 2008 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, american idol, classics, quotes
“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.” — Thomas Jefferson 1802
(Funny how some things just don’t change, isn’t it? Something to think about. WC)
Following
Posted on September 25, 2008 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, WTF?, What If?, i dunno, my opinions
About ten year ago maybe a little less, there was an independent film that came out called Following. It was a very quirky British film that centered around an odd duck who by chance one day followed someone, the whole day and watched what they did. For some reason this became a fascination with him and ultimately led him into a whole passal of trouble and he found the tables turned in a very uncomfortable way. I thought it was an interesting film and moreso an interesting concept because it makes one ponder, why would one person want to follow another?
I don’t know if any of you have been followed but I have and it’s a rather surreal experience. Because at first it may seem a bit flattering, you know? Like “Wow, I must be interesting, woo hoo.” But then ego gives way to reality and you really do start to wonder why it is a certain person just keeps turning up wherever you are. How they just manage to be anyplace you are, get involved in activities you are involved in and so forth.
I guess I’m not a total bore, but I certainly wouldn’t call myself fascinating. I just go about my business, have some fun, talk, chat, read, write, have a few laughs. You know, pretty much like anyone else - so what is there to see? I suppose it does have something to do with attraction or maybe it is just flat out curiosity. Is it possible that an average person like myself could be so alien to another that they would feel the need to study me, watch me, see what I do and say? Since it has happened I guess the cursory answer at least would have to be yes.
On the other hand maybe it has little or nothing to do with me, the watchee (if you will) and more to do with the watcher. I ponder sometimes what goes on in a mind like that - that they would follow someone else and just watch them. What would be the point, what need or desire would it fulfill? Is it that they are simply so unengaged in life that they have become a permanent spectator, too afraid to actually make direct contact and outwardly learn about someone, get to know them? Are they just taking notes because they are trying to develop a character study for a story? Is it only the unattainable that interests them? I’ve come to no real conclusions just more curiosity about the whole thing.
Anyone have any thoughts on this? What do you think the motivation is? Why do you think that? I’m seriously interested in your thoughts about this.
I Wonder…Why Life Can’t Be More Simple
Posted on September 23, 2008 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, Life, Opinions, adventure, i dunno
Don’t you? And I have been wondering it more often lately. When I was a kid, life was the personification of simplicity: Sleep, school, play, eat occasionally, then sleep again. Though childhood is supposed to be simple so that may not be a fair comparison.
I sometimes try to look back to see when things became complicated and there doesn’t really seem to be a specific time that I can point to, in terms of the past. When I was first on my own things I don’t think were all that complicated I had only to work my job, pay my rent, eat, sleep, write, stay alive, basically. But then as we go on in life we start to pick up things. Obligations, debt, relationships and suddenly we are knee deep in all these things that eat up time and seem to add to the confusion and non-simplicity.
While these may be a common part of living life, I often wonder if they are necessary. We dont’ have to run up our credit cards and take on debt, but then things happen, emergencies, shoe sales at Nordstrom’s, dreams we want to fulfill that require schooling or training. We want a home of our own and so we sign onto mortgages, rental agreements, and ditto for cars, and of course family too. Accidents, illnesses, deaths, all these things add up to our sometimes having to take on the burden of others because, well hell it’s the right thing to do.
Then there are relationships - which are very funny animals when you think about them. I mean if you can for just a few minutes blow out the back of your head a few feet and really examine them, it is amazing what you can find. Some relationships are so very good for us, they nurture, they share, there is a wonderful balance of give and take and rarely any issues about who should have done what, rarely quarrels or disagreements, etc. - they just flow like the perfect natural rhythym of a lazy river on a summer day. Beautiful.
Then some are a bit iffy, those in my estimation tend to be family because with family you have this built in obligation/emotional connection - you are supposed to love your parents and your siblings and your children and so on but sometimes they make that very difficult and quite honestly you can’t really get rid of them. They are stuck to you with emotional and historical velcro, so you are forced to solve these relationships and juggle them on a regular basis. Unless you just want to change your name and work for the circus, they must be dealt with.
And then we start to get into the really potentially icky relationships - the co-dependent ones where they are not good for either person involved but are compulsive as though you are forced to play out a role decided upon by a exterior force and often over which you feel no control. These are tough and honestly, I’ve never found a good way to deal with them - generally I manage to tear myself away and try to just never go back. It doesn’t always work but it does most of the time. (For me.) This can be more complicated if they are co-workers or bosses or peers in some way as you are in constant contact with them. Boy, talkr about complicating things - they can really wreak havoc with your life. But they can be overcome, I think - sometimes too if you see your own co-dependency you can stand up to it and then it all kind of melts for lack of a better term. The compulsion just disappears and it’s like a release.
Then of course you start getting into the realm of stalkers and harrassers. These too can add to stress and are difficult to free yourself from. They start out innocently enough, of course you don’t know that that kind of potential is there until it’s screaming you in the face. What to do? Honestly, I’ve never really figured this one out. It can be terribly introverting because I have a tendency to ask myself why I made this happen to me. Why I hadn’t made better choices, hadn’t seen it coming. Which is unfair because I don’t have the power to see the future, nor does anyone else. And though these relationships often come in on a romantic line, they can also come in on a friend line. Have you ever had a friend who became utterly obsessed with you or a co-worker? Believe me, it’s plenty scary and it doesn’t matter if the person is really into liking you or hating you - it still feels like someone is trying to get inside your soul or something.
Jeez louise, what was my point here? I guess my point is this that for me of all the complications that can arise in my life and make my life not simple - relationships are the it for me. It’s because I like people. I like to know people, I like to get other people’s ideas about things, see and learn different viewpoints and leave myself open to that. For me, it is natural and is how I prefer to live my life. The only trick is, how do you keep it sane? How do you factor in those great relationships and factor out the icky ones? I’m not sure I know but I do think that if I could figure that out then my life would be so much more simple.
How about you guys? Same problem? Different?
I Want - Theme Fridays
Posted on August 22, 2008 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, Dreams, Life, future
I want to feel safe in a world gone prefectly mad. I want people to recognize that we are all here together and it could be an amazing adventure if we let it. I want people to be kinder to each other, to pass on the opportunity to have the upper hand and not have to always be right.
I want music, poetry and art to be created from the heart again, without a thought given to the demographics. I want children to go to sleep on full stomachs in warm, clean beds. I want to quit being manipulated by groups with vested interests, especially the ones who tout their ‘good causes.’ I want people who play games to move to their own island and leave the rest of us alone. I want people to value themselves and others more. I want natural disasters to just be the result of weather with no political affiliations.
I want chocolate for breakfast and for men to see all women as the lovely creatures they are and to cherish them. I want women to stop wanting to be men and to give the balls back to their rightful owners.
I want technology to stop - and take a breath - so that we can. I want teenagers to find meaning in books and art and personal relationships instead of their cell phones. I want old people to be respected and revered for their wisdom and experience. I want humor to be funny without being mean.
I want leaders who lead because they have the best interest of their citizens at heart instead of just the ability to talk a good game. I want children to have parents who love them and keep them safe but also teach them the lessons of life. I want every human being on this earth to feel happiness and joy and to put that above things and power.
I want people to say what they mean and mean what they say. I want anyone who can talk out of both sides of their mouth to go work for the circus, not my government. I want to fight the good fight when I have to but I don’t ever want to have to.
I want us all to realize that we are sentient beings and that the way to change things is by changing ourselves - that the answers are not ‘out there’ but rather ‘in here.’
And Christine wants and Jess wants
Is Virtual Reality – Reality?
Posted on August 7, 2008 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, Family, adventure, friends, life metaphor
I know this is somewhat of a cliché question – we all write about it. The differences between ‘real’ life and virtual life. How people can pretend to be anything or anyone that they want on the Internet essentially with impunity and get away with the most outrageous things sometimes. And of course I am not talking about spamming people’s email boxes with viagra ads. I’m talking about some pretty serious and nasty stuff. Child porn, abductions, identity theft and so on and so forth ad nauseum. But I want to take a little further spin around this block beyond the usual path that is traveled with this line of thinking.
I want to talk about love. LOL – gee that sounds like the beginning of disco song or something. Now before you start getting glazed eyes at the prospect of my doing a post about EHarmony or something hear me out for minute.
Long before there were computers, the internet, television, radio, telephones and any immediate type of communication medium, there were letters. As was the custom many moons ago, people wrote letters to one another, long letters, meaningful letters, letters that told of their secrets, their dreams, their hearts and sometimes the farming news and the condition of Aunt Marion’s bunions. It was also often the case that men and women fell in love through the medium of letters – Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Robert Browning are a well known and famous example of such a love affair. During their 20 month courtship they exchanged nearly 600 letters. And if you have ever had the pleasure and joy of reading any of these letters you will discover that in fact it is possible to first find your way to love through words. And if you have not read any of these letters, do yourself a favor and read some of them. It will restore your belief in the human heart and in love.
So, tracking up the 21st century – or whatever century we’re in because last I heard there was some debate about it and I can’t be too bothered with it – the letter, has been replaced with the email (essentially). Though often emails are more like grocery lists and jotted scribbles across kitchen pads and are used as a quick efficient modern shorthand to get some basic ideas across, they too are letters. I don’t know about you but I have been known to write some very long emails and had some very long emails returned to me. I have had what I can only describe as a ‘saga’ between myself and some others where the exchange of emails numbered up to 100 over the course of a week. So strong and intense was the need to deliver and receive the ideas and concepts being discussed. For me, communication is communication. The fact that someone cannot see me nor hear my voice does not mean nor make my communication false or insincere. Or that of anyone else.
Bloggers may in particular understand this because eventually you become a part of a sort neighborhood, where you find like minded individuals who share interests, worries, troubles and joys in common through the mutual reading of the blogs. This often begins friendships and emails, chats and sometimes even phone calls ensue. In my case I can say that I have found two lifelong friends all because of the internet and email and online activities. But they are actually more than friends, I truly think of them as family. How this began and how it continued and why it even came about I guess is irrelevent but these two people are no less unbelievably and undeniably loved friends than they would be if we had grown up next door to each other. Phone calls, gifts, birthday cards, care packages, emails all have been exchanged and frequently and regularly and they are part of the paradigm of my life. I honestly cannot imagine my life without them in it. And one of them lives on the other side of the world, literally.
So the question then is how does this happen? How can you come to love someone you have never met as though they were your family? As though you grew up in the same house with them or worked at the desk next to them for the last twenty years. I’m not sure I know the answer but I will give a guess. I think that as human beings regardless of the environment we find ourselves in we give off clues of who we are, what we think, what we like, dislike, are afraid of, hope for and that can actually be perceived by another human if the connection is strong enough and the desire exists.
I have to laugh when I hear people say (write) that they are nothing like they seem on their blogs or on the internet, etc. etc. because of course they must be because they created whatever presence they are in that medium, whether they write about diaper bargains or heartfelt memoirs. A piece of them is there for anyone who has an eye to see it. Not all of them of course, but certainly some part, I don’t see how it could possibly be otherwise.
And it is also human nature to be drawn to anything kindred, in whatever form a person finds it. That they find it online, thanks to some whacky exchange of energy and wavelengths seems to me, irrelevent. Things do happen for a reason. People do cross paths for a reason – the how and where I think is secondary to the reason. So, while there are one million and one reasons to be cautious about meeting people online, becoming friends or even perhaps more – and rightfully so – there are also reasons to remember that the written word has been the medium for companionship, friendship and even love for longer than any of us have been on this earth and so to stay open to the possibility of that I think is worth the risk of being tricked, disappointed or just flat out wrong. You never know, you could end up with two lifelong friends and maybe more.
Reconciliation
Posted on August 4, 2008 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, breathe, in my head, only dancing
An interesting word. One with many nuances and layers but in the end is about coming to terms and restoring that which was. I have had a lot of time to consider this word and the action of same. And to see how very difficult it can be and all of the reasons why it is so difficult and yet so easy to do, to offer, to want.
Mistakes are made, words are uttered and regretted, or worse, unspoken and left to the imagination to grow into disportionate size and significance - and that which was so simple five minutes ago is suddenly a raging beast with its sites set on you, while you were only just going along minding your own business. It can be a shock to the system and the source of much confusion and distress.
Ah, I wax philosophic and speak in circles, yes, I admit it because I’m looking for the truth of it and quite honestly have not found it. And I want to. It is important to me to understand what is true in my own and in the lives of others I care about. But maybe too important to me about others because I have a tendency to worry less about myself and more about others and go so far over the limit to help, to comfort and console that I forget that I need these things too. And in the forgetting stumble upon land mines that I had no idea were there.
It would be so easy to just shrug it off, forget it, move on. I like going for the easy route because it is more comfortable and makes for a smoother ride and then you aren’t really required to look at the dynamics at play and how you had a part in them. In the end though, you always do have to examine those and come to grips and do what you can to learn from them and move on. So, I am trying to do that in my own haphazard way while always keeping my eye on the very beautiful things in my life - the large and the small things, not let any of it miss my notice and acknowlegement. And though I don’t think things will ever be as they were - I do hope that perhaps in a way they will be better with a deeper understanding and a stronger ability to forgive and forget.
Thanks for indulging in my talking out loud piece. I do apologize if it makes no sense to anyone but me.
The Blessings and Traps of Motherhood - by cA Hughes
Posted on August 3, 2008 - Filed Under Current Events, Deep thoughts, Family, Opinions
Hi, I am christine of All the Elbows and Annie asked me to do a guest post for her and I thought this would be an interesting topic:
I am not a fan of Britney Spears. The few times I’ve heard her “music” I felt like committing suicide on my ears. And generally speaking, I am not a fan of celebrity, its gossip and so on. But I can’t help knowing some of it. Cruising the internets is a guarantee to come across a headline or twenty. Also there are those who are into it that I talk to, who will share their knowledge of the famous with me. The place in my brain where something meaningful should probably be, like the square root of a large number, the birthday of someone important or the secret to life, is the news of Kevin Federline being awarded custody of the sons he fathered with “pop tart” Britney Spears. (My understanding of quantum physics should be where pop tart is, damn its!)
What I noticed right away when I saw the headline is that even though Spears has had the required and pandemic makeover and looks “good” again, several stories covering this court decision had an old or utterly unflattering image of her accompanying the article. I was struck by this tactic and it got me thinking about Mothers, Motherhood, Womanhood and how women, though moving forward outwardly and economically and sexually, are still held to the archaic standard of what women should be as Mothers in the eyes of our society.
The fact that a Mother loses or relinquishes custody of her kids is, apparently, unforgivable, a mystery . As a Mother, a Woman is expected to provide, or oversee, the primary care of children in the home, and anything other than that is perplexing, disdainful, bringing harsh judgement and outrage. Even I question such a Mother- How could she? What kind of woman doesn’t want her kids?
Fathers do it all the time. Fathers can still be good Men and good Fathers even if they only have limited custody of their children, weekend visits and holidays.
Look at the following image:
Britney Spears looks, well, not her best. A little sloppy for a Woman trying to get custody of her sons. Now I’m sure this is not how she looked on the day the case was settled, she has been made-over, I wouldn’t know for sure, but I think that such trickery does damage to our ideas of Women as Mothers and reinforces the idea that Mothers as secondary or peripheral caregivers are ugly, sloppy, unworthy.
See how Kevin Federline, who was given primary custody, is shown as dapper, in a suit…
I am a mother. I love my children very much and I enjoy being their mom, but there is no other job/position/calling under such strict scrutiny while also being gravely undervalued as a most important role in our society. For those who chose and are able to remain home with children, it is a blessing to a family, the children and eventually our society. Yet, for these same Women, there is the idea of being uninteresting as individuals, people. It seems that on some deep level, they are regarded as Mothers instead of individuals- like these two concepts are mutually exclusive. Because Mothers are supposed to be completely fulfilled as people by mothering rather than mothering being part of what fulfills them. Suddenly, they are defined solely by their care of the children/family rather than their wit, humor, intelligence outside of how these are applied to their Mothering.
Fathers also play an integral role in the raising of well-adjusted children, but somehow are given more slack in how involved they are in the time, emotion and energy spent in the process.
My question is why? Why are Mothers held to this rigid standard? Why are they judged much more harshly for being the visiting parent when custody situations like this occur? Are stay-at-home Dads held to this same standard? (I think they get it worse. It’s almost automatic to assume that the Man is “lazy” because only a lazy man’d want to stay at home and do nothing all day like us Women…) What do you think?
(thanks, christine - I loved this and think my readers will too.)
