Great Gobs of Death & Other Things You Don’t Want in Your Mouth
Posted on August 18, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, brain farts, dining experience, my opinions
So, last night I was having my bi-weekly dinner with Zelda - actually we weren’t supposed to have dinner but she’d called and said she wanted help moving two of her vehicles - which were both at her rental property, blah blah and could I help her out? Sure, I said. Expecting her to be by in five or ten minutes…two hours later she finally shows up and I’m starving cuz I put off eating cuz she was coming right over. Right? No, Zelda has no sense of time. Anyway…I was pretty much gnawing on my own ankle by the time she arrived, so we went to dinner.
Apparently, there was not enough bread, soup and crackers in the joint since I hoovered everything brought to the table the moment it hit my radar. Zelda looked on in apparent horror - what had happened to her friend and who was this pod person sucking up all food in sight? “Blood sugar” I mumbled around a mouthful of something or other. Oh yeah, when I’m in this state I also eat really fast, and Zelda nearly lost two fingers when she reached for the last piece of bread.
Being the odd night that it was, the odd dining behavior and so forth we started talking about how picky an eater I was (while I was literally eating everything in sight) - we argued about what sushi really was and apparently according to Zelda since spicy tuna rolls have mostly rice they aren’t really sushi. Well I thought that was too bad since I call it sushi and I happen to eat it but none of that ‘real’ sushi. Gag me with a spoon. I told her about the time that a date had taken me to a sushi bar and force-fed me a piece of raw, okay, now I’m saying it was raw yellow fin. The minute it hit my mouth it was like a great gob of death, it smelled like old gym shoes and tasted like what I imagined ripe road kill to taste like. So, here I am with this gob of bacterial black plague in my mouth and the date chatting away and smiling cuz he sees the tears in my eyes and thinks I’m so happy to be eating this nuclear waste product - and I’m trying to not actually have my mouth touch it or definitely not taste it. So I somehow manage to excuse myself to the ladies room and as soon as the door closes I Heimlich Manuever that puppy right the hell out. And then of course spent the rest of the evening dying to go home so I could actually eat some real food.
After Zelda got over this story, and composed herself, ensuring she hadn’t actually wet her pants we started talking about other gobs of death that have no business in anyone’s mouth. Pickled Pigs Feet. Have you ever seen these things? They look like the leftovers from a bad operation. And my dear father, God rest his soul, loved these. Whenever he ate them, I refused to go near him for at least two days - I just couldn’t get the image out of my head. The next on the list is anything Roomie makes. He figures as long as he throws olive oil in everything he eats he’s on the life-extending Mederterrainian diet. Okay, are you ready? Fried eggs on top of rice with some fish thrown in for good measure and doused with olive oil. It’s like a hong-kong surprise dock breakfast or something. Oh yeah a bit of raw garlic too. Yummy. Barf. Okra - do I have to explain this? It already looks like something dead and rapidly accumulating a secret disease and then people eat it. I can’t even smell the stuff without thinking of a funeral.
Then there are minor items like:
Anchovies - mmm fury fish - yep I’ll have a double order of those.
Calamari - breaded and deep fried rubber bands - yummy!
Vegemite - sorry my Aussie friends but it tastes like yeast flavored glue.
Powdered cream - why not just go to your local hazardous waste station and scoop some of that into your coffee?
Tripe, chitlins, whole fishes, tongue & haggis - I may have guts but I can’t eat them, nor anything that can look at me or talk to me.
So, those are my great gobs of death, what are yours?
Can You Actually Get Drunk on Food?
Posted on December 26, 2007 - Filed Under Holiday, Just For Fun, brain farts, dining experience, i'm hungry
Well, I don’t know about you guys, but my answer to that question is, ah..yeah!
I’m afraid we all just try to cram to much joy into too few days this time of year. I actually was quite careful not to eat too much. But when you go to all the parties, plus dig into all the gifts of cookies and treats, via your friendly postman, I guess you’re kidding yourself about watching what you eat.
Not only did I eat, but man did I cook. Yesterday, while preparing the final (hopefully) holiday feat I realized I was dog-tired and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I realized I’d been cooking for a week. First, was all the baking for the postman, my mechanics, the neighbors and so on. Then I made a huge pan of sweet pertater scuffle for Erin’s Christmas party, then the vat of beef veggie soup for Zelda’s Christmas Eve party, which takes two days because you have to do the roast first and since the pot was essentially the size of my sink, I couldn’t cook it up the night before, so up at the crack of dawn. The hilarious thing was trying to fit it into my car in a position that wouldn’t slosh it all over the leather seats on my way to Zelda’s. The next challenge was getting it out of the car and carrying it to Zelda’s front door without throwing my back out. Soup is heavy. Who knew?
Then, once I gained entrance into Zelda’s house, I had the terrible realization that since Zelda doesn’t cook, I had slicing, dicing, chopping and plating to do, which was another hour or so. And finally, on Christmas day, the traditional ham dinner with pie and scalloped potatoes and biscuits and, and, and… Cripes, no wonder I was ready for a nap by noon.
In fact, I’m still in my jammies, sucking down coffee and thinking that I’ll spend the day in bed, reading, unless that’s too exhausting then I’ll just stay in bed. 
And the food, oh the food, was just so yummy, I had to ‘try’ a little bit of everything. From sweet potater scuffle to the homemade fudge Debbie sent me, to chocolate covered Macadamia’s, tea cookies, brownies, turkey, ham, roast beef. I even managed a couple of gulps of wine.
Can you pass the carb blockers, please? Oh and I’ll have a double alka-seltzer while you’re at it. This morning I woke up and felt positively hungover. No lie.
Of course, I’ll vow never to do it again, only to repeat it next year.
But, it’s hard to complain. Lots of food, lots of friends and just a really good time. From all the presents given and recieved, phone calls and Instant Messaging with friends I don’t get to talk to enough to classic movies watched by the light of Christmas trees and fireplaces. It was all good. All good.
Hope you all had a great time too.
Annie
The Grilled Cheese Samich Challenge
Posted on September 29, 2007 - Filed Under Food, Humor, Just For Fun, brain farts, dining experience, i'm hungry, my opinions
Okay, so I’ve been bitching about not having anything to write about and one of my buddies, in response to this post, gave me the following assignment:
Yup, you are hoarding them, you are not fool’n me WC — I’ll give you a topic, “Butta” (butter)…
Grill cheese better made with margarine or real butta?
I want you to research, I want you to break out the skillet - I want you to conduct your own test kitchen. What kind of cheese? The Kraft squares that are wrapped individually, or the real cheddar? OR, Velveeta? That “cheese loaf” if you will.
I already have my opinion and I’ll weigh in if you take me up on this topic. This is my kind of topic. And what to serve the grilled cheese with? With soup? What kind is the best.
Should one dip the grilled cheese in ketsup?
You go to work girl! Let me know what you think!
And please don’t tell me you don’t eat grilled cheese sandwiches, cuz then I will believe that all of your brain cells have taken a great leap off of your head!
Oh, it’s 5a.m. and I have 3.5 hours to go here at work, can you tell I’m struggling? LOL
So, my dear, this one’s for you - WC
First of all, I reject the premise that I am hoarding brain cells, as evidenced by the fact that I am jumping at your grilled cheese challenge as fodder for a post. I mean, there is so much going on in the world and yet, I am writing about grilled cheese samiches. I admit that I do love grilled cheese samiches and really on a cool autumn day there is nothing better, I have to warn you, I am likely writing this post with both of my remaining brain cells tied behind my back.
Alrighty then - butter vs. margarine? Come on, there is no contest here. Aside from the fact that margarine is a tub of transfats, food coloring and will survive a nuclear holocaust along with the cockroaches and Ron Smith, the stuff has no taste and always smells like axle grease. So, yeah, absolutely we are going for 100% butter, calories and clogged arteries be damned.
What kind of cheese? Hmm, that is determined by my mood and whatever I happen to have in the fridge. Never ever, would I even think of using cheese product made from the same stuff as the margarine. And while Velveta may have great glue-like qualities, I am making a sandwich, not building a brick wall, so I’ll pass on that bizarre invention. Nope, it has to be real cheese. I like the Trader Joe’s three cheese shredded blend - which is cheddar, jack and mozzarella. Also, Kraft puts out a four cheese shredded blend of Mexican cheeses. I like the shredded cheeses because of the even melting properties and the blend gives it some zip. If I don’t happen to have either of those on hand I will mix up whatever I do have, usually provolone & cheddar or jack & cheddar, or colby & swiss. I’m not really a one cheese grilled cheese person - I find that blending at least two different cheeses gives it some zip and hits mulitple taste buds.
My bread of choice is Ezekial Sesame seed sprouted grain or Food for Life’s 9 sprouted grain bread. It is heavier and beefier than regular breads, has a better glycemic index, more fibert and just tastes better to me. Though when I was younger and much thinner I was completely addicted to any type of really good sourdough bread. Yummy.
So, to recap, we slather our sprouted grain bread with real butter and put both slices, butter side down in a hot, non-stick skillet - then we sprinkle generous amounts of shredded cheeses on both slices. We watch and wait for the cheese to become melty and we slap one slice on top of the other. We smash down with a spatula on the now, married slices so as to get any air out and to squish together the melty cheese. We flip once, smash down one more time, wait 30 seconds and slip that puppy onto a nice pretty dish.
As to accroutements???? Hmmm, again it depends on my mood. I may just go for the samich straight, no beverage, no pickles, no anything and afterwards wash everything down with a diet coke. Or, if I am pretending to actually make the samich a meal I have to go with Campbell’s tomato soup. Yep, I know it’s a little boring and has been around since World War II, but some things just never go out of style. But I like to doctor up this classic with just a little cream and 1/2 cup of sweet corn. I use about 1/2 the amount of water suggested, about 3 tbs of 1/2&1/2 and cook it through til it’s just shy of piping hot. I’m not much of a dipper but you could dip the samich in the soup and I think it would be a delightful taste sensation. Ketchup? Hell no, we don’t need no stinking ketchup or barbecue sauce or ranch dressing or honey mustard. A damn fine grilled cheese samich needs nothing if it’s done right.
So, there you have it, Bella, my take on grilled cheese samiches. Hope I didn’t disappoint.
WC
Finger Lickin’ Good!
Posted on June 10, 2007 - Filed Under Food, Just For Fun, adventure, candidates, dining experience, favorites, i'm hungry, meme, my opinions, perfect evenings, time to eat!
Michael of Smoke & Mirrors has tagged me on a food meme. Imagine that, me and food - who’d a thunk? The deal is that I am supposed to list five of my fav eateries here in my neck of the woods, then I tag five more bloggers to do the same. So here goes:
Pink’s Hotdogs: Pink’s has been around forever in a day. Once you see the place, you definitely envision starlets and wannabe’s of the 1930’s & 1940’s standing around eating their dogs and sipping their creme soda. It’s clearly a Hollywood favorite, as evidenced by all the signed 8×10 glossies of Hollywood luminaries, that cover the walls inside the tiny dining area. But oh, my, God…they have the best chili dogs on the planet. And there is nothing quite so fun as running down there at midnight to stand on line to get a couple of these greasy, ooey, gooey, chili, onions,cheese dogs. 100% kosher beef dogs, on perfect squishy white buns, served by zophtic maidens. Get a Dr. Bonner’s Creme Soda to go with and you are set.
Barney’s: Barney’s is a fixture in Pasadena’s Old Town and has been there for quite a while. It’s a morph of an old-time saloon and a yuppie cafe. The food is good, hearty and reasonably priced, especially for its locale. My all time favorite dish is their toast-taco-salad. An enormous dish of fresh greens, topped with taco meat, shredded cheese, onions, sour creme and freshly made corn chips. Enough to feed three people unless you’re feeling really piggy. It’s served with a boatload of fresh salsa and vinegarette. Their potato salad is perfect. Burgers, great. Also have a mean kielbasa samich served with sourkraut on a big bakery bun. Have it with a diet coke, coffee or any one of the millions of brands of beers they serve. Afterwards, go for a stroll through Old Town, look in the shops, stop at the movies or just mill with the rest of the crowd.
Al Read’s: Al Read’s is a little hole in the wall place a mere 1/4 mile from my house. It sits on a corner across from a liquor store and a grocery store. Nothing remarkable about the little white building it is housed in but wait til you go inside. The decor is early 1970’s with white walls and red vinyl booths. To your right a tiny bar that is always rocking and to your left the dining room. You slide into one of the booths, and are given a giant red menu to peruse. Steak, seafood and ribs. Man oh man, the ribs. The sauce is to die for and I’ve yet to wheedle the recipe out of any of them. My two favorite dishes: Fried clams - can’t get enough of them. And the prime rib - unbelievably huge (covers most of the plate) served with twice baked potatoes and hot cheesebread - for under $20. A-yup, that’s what I said. You can go in your sweats or your fancy duds, makes no difference to them. The food is to die for and the service is friendly, casual and you never feel like they are just waiting for you to leave. It’s like going to your Aunt Edna’s for dinner but the service is better and so is the food.
Da Franco’s: Da Franco’s is the classic neighborhood Italian restaurant. I don’t know about you, but when I was a kid there were always the family style neighborhood Eye-talian places that we would go to and gorge until we couldn’t move - and still have tons of leftovers to take home. That’s this place. Alfredo that is light, creamy, perfect. Marinara, home-made and garden fresh. They also have this chicken dish that is layer with cheese, ham and eggplant that is amazing and in ‘pink sauce’ - no idea what that is, but it melts in your mouth. Again, another casual, easy going place that serves the hell out of you. Oh and the cannolis can’t be beat. One other thing that I love, is that they serve you a basket of fresh soft bread sticks with marinara on the side, the minute your fanny hits the seat.
The Elephant Bar: The Elephant Bar is a cool kind of yuppy place in the heart of Burbank. The walls are painted in leopard print and zebra stripes, the waiters and waitresses likely all actors and actresses looking for their big break. They have a nice patio that faces the mountains and you can sip your iced tea or passion fruit iced tea as you watch the sun go down. Don’t worry about getting cold because they have those great big patio heaters that they will light on request. Everything on the menu is delicious. Everything. And the chef will alter dishes to your specs if you’re on a diet or want to swap one item out for another. They have everything from fried calamari, chinese chicken salad to pot roast. The portions are huge, you will be taking home leftovers. My favorite dish is the pot roast. Fork tender, in a perfect brown sauce that just melts in your mouth. Make sure to top it off with a huge slab of Chocolate Blackout Cake. And then call the paramedics, because you’ll have passed out by then.
And any time y’all want to come out to sunny California, I’d be pleased as punch to take you to any of these places.
Okay, that’s my five. Now, on with the tags…who shall it be??????
Jess
Christine
Ham
Puddlehead
MsCrankypants
Schpam - the Musical
Posted on March 10, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, ab fab costumes, acts of idiocy, adventure, brain farts, classics, dining experience, favorites, funny bone, laughs, loving it!, monte python, musical favorites, my opinions, really cool shit, really stupid shit, satire, saturdays, spam, video
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/v/8y6pm1W1XdM]
I never tire of Monty Python and their hideously stupid humor.
WC
I Love Me Some Thin Mints! Don’t You?
Posted on March 3, 2007 - Filed Under Current Events, Dear Readers..., Deep thoughts, Diet, Family, Fat Ass, Food, I gots to have it, ab fab costumes, acts of valor, adventure, american idol, classics, dining experience, favorites, friends, good wishes, honor, joy of creating, kindred, loving it!, my opinions, our troops, really cool shit, support our troops, that's class, time to eat!, tribute
I don’t know about you but every year right about this time I start to get a little excited. Not because Spring is right around the corner or because a cute guy has moved in to the house across the street but because the cookies of all cookies are about to go on sale.
Yep - I am a girl scout cookie junkie. I just can’t help myself. If there is even one thin mint within a 20 mile radius I can smell it, hunt it down and take it for my own. Since I don’t even smoke any more I figure I am entitled to just this one little obsession.
Also too there is just something sweet and nostailgic about them. They have been around since I can remember and I can remember pretty far back. Always somewhere around spring break you would start to see little cardboard table and folding chair sales stands cropping up - in front of super markets, laundramats, banks and even street corners in some suburban neighborhoods. Naturally when I was a kid I knew many of the salesgirls now, not so much.
However, I do have one little friend who is probably one of my favorite cookie sellers: 
Let’s call her Cookie-Girl - she does a bang up job, according to her mom and troop mama. But I mean who has to be told, check out that stand, nice display, clean, neat with lots of variety but no clutter. Poifect.
What many of you may not know is that there is a whole lot more to selling girl scout cookies than meets the eye. In the words of my favorite Girl Scout Mama:
Cookie sales gets so much negative crap that people don’t see the good it does. On the money side, it funds the whole Girl Scout program and it helps troops earn money for their activities. (camping, horseback riding, community service projects [one troop paid their way to Build A Bear to stuff and dress bears then donated them to the Fire Department to give to kids that needed them])
On the “Where Girls Grow Strong” side of it (a Girl Scout saying) cookie sales gives girls a chance to learn so much in a safe environment. Sales, money handling, responsibility, people skills, persistence, goal setting, etc. When it’s all over, they have such a sense of achievement! You can see the change in them. They’ve grown!
Also, especially in recent years, there are many troops who are selling cookies in order to send them to the troops. The way it works is this: you buy a box of cookies and instead of taking them home and eating them and making your thighs and butt even bigger, you tell the troop to go ahead and send them to the troops overseas. In addition to this, the kids take a lot of the money they make and send additional cookies to the troops. For example there is a relatively well known program called Operation Cookie Drop, which is a program started by Girls Scouts who managed to send bagillions of cookies to our young men and women in Iraq and gave them a taste of home.
If you see a local troop selling in your area, ask them what their ’cause’ or program is that they are selling for - I’m sure you’ll discover that they are not in it for a beach chair or so they can all go to Chuck E. Cheeese for a weekend. They are going to do something special with the money for someone who needs it, senior citizen homes, the troops overseas, underprivilidged children and so forth.
So the next time you see that little cardboard table and chairs set up, don’t hide your face and mumble something about being on a diet. Chat with the girls and find out what they intend to do with their proceeds. And don’t be so darn stingy, give them a five-spot and tell them to give a box of cookies to their favorite shut in, kid stuck in a hospital, or a kid in a uniform overseas and far far away from home.
If you want to know when the cookies are going on sale in your area you can go here - type in your zip code and councils in your area should come up, with their schedules of sales.
Heck there is even a myspace girlscout page here.
So for pete’s sake, get some Thin Mints, Tagalongs, Samoas, Trefoils or even som DoSiDos and know that you are likely contributing to something worthy and worthwhile. Heck if you are really worried about your diet they even sell some fudgy sugar free numbers AND all the cookies have Zero trans fats. So let’s not sweat the small stuff, otay.
For pictures, descriptions and nutritional information about the cookies go here
Also, if you just want to help and contribute to a troop who is sending cookies to the troops, I personally know of such a troop and I’d be happy to hook you up with them. If so, feel free to email me.
Okay, let’s get our fat asses down there and be loading up on the damn finest cookies ever made in America. Sound good?
WC
Can You Say, 30K?
Posted on March 2, 2007 - Filed Under Blogging, Current Events, Dear Readers..., Just For Fun, Life, WTF?, ab fab costumes, acts of idiocy, adventure, brain farts, dining experience, double yoiks, funny bone, in my head, joy of creating, loving it!, really stupid shit
Okay, well maybe it is a big deal and maybe not so much. But has anyone noticed I have actually gotten 30K plus hits on this blog since August?
I mean I don’t expect lotto tickets or even cake and ice cream - but maybe a modest congrats would be nice. I mean come on people, I slave over this blog, day in and day out. I sweat my brains out trying to think of something that will amuse, entertain or provoke deep, deep thought - the least you can do is say - “Hey way to go, WC. Not bad.”
Right? Not right? Is anybody there? Hello, is this thing on?
Okay, well it was worth a try. I know you all have lives and likely more of a life than I - so I guess I’ll just blow up a balloon, buy myself a slice of cheesecake and celebrate while watching Sex in the City reruns. I may even get some microwave popcorn for later. Yes indeed, I do lead the edgy life.
WC
God, I Love Junk Food!
Posted on February 19, 2007 - Filed Under Current Events, Deep thoughts, Election 2008, Humor, Just For Fun, Politics, WTF?, adventure, brain farts, candidates, classics, dining experience, double yoiks, drama queen, evil bloodsuckers, funny bone, i'm hungry, laughs, loving it!, my opinions, philosophy & politics, really cool shit, really stupid shit, satire, scary chicks, time to eat!, works of art
Sometimes some people get it just right. And here’s a special that really says special, doncha think? I laughed my ass off on this one.
WC
I Was Doing it Wrong!
Posted on February 16, 2007 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, Diet, Fat Ass, Humor, Just For Fun, WTF?, acts of idiocy, adventure, amazing, brain farts, clueless, crap!, dining experience, double yoiks, funny bone, laughs, my fat ass, my opinions, really cool shit, really stupid shit, satire
Who knew all this time I was weighing myself the wrong way! Apparently, I only weight 17 lbs. For cripessakes I am practically anorexic! I need chocolate and ice cream immediately - it’s a matter of life and death. I guess the big fat ass is an optical illusion. It’s all a matter of perspective, doncha think? 
WC
Twinkies, Anyone?
Posted on February 11, 2007 - Filed Under Dear Readers..., Diet, Food, Humor, I gots to have it, Just For Fun, Life, WTF?, adventure, classics, dining experience, i'm hungry, joy of creating, laughs, loving it!, my fat ass, my opinions, nostalgia, possibilities, really stupid shit, recipe, time to eat!
When I was a kid, I loved Twinkies. In fact, I still do. There is no other highly processed, prepackaged lump of sugar and starch that I love more. In fact, as processed, prepackaged lumps of sugar and starch go, Hostess just can’t be beaten. They are the king of the heap in this department.
Now as time wore on, after my childhood Twinkies became evil things - things that would make you kill another human being, for example. Hence the Twinkie Defense. Of course it could only have happened in California and San Francisco, as the rest of the world just isn’t that stupid.
Also the word Twinkie is sometimes used as a term to objectify women who are overly sexual and not too bright. Like we need another one of those.
But despite all the abuse the poor Twinkie has gotten over the years, it is still one of America’s favorite junk foods. So imagine my awe and surprise when I discovered that there are many things one can do with a Twinkie to make really cool deserts. There is actually a twinkie desert recipe page. Can you believe it? Below is my favorite recipe - but you can find many more here .
So enjoy your weekend and make a delicious Twinkie desert for your family which you can enjoy while watching a Sunday night video. Cheers!
Twinkie-misu
By Larry Coons
Items Needed:
Box Hostess Twinkies
1/2 cup strong coffee, cooled & sweetened
1/4 cup Kahlua (optional)
1/2 gallon coffee or coffee & chocolate ice cream
Chocolate shavings or sprinkles
DIRECTIONS: Slice Twinkies in half lengthwise. Spray 9 x 5 loaf pan with cooking spray. Put five Twinkie halves, cream side up, side by side in pan. Mix coffee and Kahlua (optional); with pastry brush, apply liberally to cut side of Twinkies. Spoon about a 1/2 inch layer of softened ice cream over Twinkies. Repeat until you have used enough Twinkies & ice cream to fill the loaf pan. Cover tightly with foil and freeze several hours or overnight. This can be served from the pan in slices or unmolded, garnished with the chocolate and served. Serves about 10.
