Expectations - Theme Fridays
Posted on August 28, 2008 - Filed Under adventure, head exploding, introspection, theme fridays
The discontent of my expectations - I do it without realizing it. Expect things. From myself. From others. Usually they are unfair or unrealistic. It makes me wonder where it all starts - these troublemakers, the expectations.
Was I born with them? Are they are part of my genetic make-up? Part and parcel of being a woman? Or do they not discriminate based on gender? And really, what is their purpose? Reassurance, a mere desire to know the future, to keep me or others in line? No, none of that sounds right, rings true.
I’m sure a head doctor would have a field day with this whole concept - we are preconditioned by society, politicians, the ozone, blah, blah, to set up expectations so that we can prove to ourselves that life means nothing. Or some such. I don’t think that’s true either.
Perhaps it is just one of the many elements of life that works its way into our daily cinema. We can after all, expect that the sun will rise in the morning and set in the evening. That dogs will bark at mailmen. That babies will cry and coo. That if you plant a seed and water it, something will grow. That time passes whether we want it to or not. So then if we can expect these things, why not others?
I think we get into trouble when it comes to other people and ourselves. The human animal, ever a mystery will never respond in the way that you want it to or believe it should. Or more precisely it is the spirit housed in that bag of bones, skin, sinew, flesh and fluids. No matter what anyone thinks or says I do not believe you can own a spirit - of another or yourself. Like a magical mixed up chemistry project, the spirit is both benign and volatile and there is no way to predict which it will be and when it will be. Yet, crazy, unrealistic and ever hopeful spirit that I am, I persist. I think if I can only get the right view of it all, it will make sense and I will understand. I cannot help it, this is the permanent quest of my life - to understand. Myself and others.
And just when I think I may have a bead on it, a sense of something, those assinine expectations sneak in - laying a false foundation and I crash through the floors to the basement or find myself up the fucking chimney. Leaving me to vow never to expect anything ever again. If I could keep that promise, life might be simpler.
Go see what Jess is expecting and then what Christine is expecting - I’m sure it will be worth the trip.
Not Good Enough
Posted on March 31, 2008 - Filed Under in my head, introspection
Not Good Enough. Ever feel that way? I know I do. Often. Too often. In fact, it is quite possibly the bane of my existence. Well, maybe not the bane of my existence but it is the thing that I have the hardest time shaking and always has been.
When that feeling hits me, I do a little internal search. Why? Why do I feel that way? Is there some deep, dark secret or a devastating buried memory that makes me feel that way? But then, logic never helps when it comes to things like that, does it? It seems the bad feelings, the feelings of inadequacy and non-deserving-ness (yes, I just made up a word) don’t come from a place of logic. They come from a place of feelings. Bad feelings.
But where do those come from? Other people? Did somebody give me a sour look when I was four and had just completed my master mud pie? And did that somehow crush a tiny piece of my soul, which I’ve been trying to get back ever since? Or has it just been a steady and continual erosion over the years. A look here, a word there?
Or worse, does it come from inside me? Just my own self-destructive alter ego, vying for time and attention? It seems I have lots of questions about this but very little in the way of answers.
I sometimes think that that is why I became a writer. To solve the feelings of ‘not good enough’ - as though I believed that if I could just write it out the feelings would evaporate. Never to be seen or heard from again. And in a way, I suppose it’s worked. When I was a kid and I got upset, the first thing I would do was write a poem or a story to work out the feelings or upset. Sometimes it would help and others it would drive me further into the sense of despair and hopelessness. No matter, I still write to some degree for that reason. Though mostly I write because I have something inside of me that needs to get out. It is constantly seeking new and silly ways to get out too. From stories to poems to haikus to jokes, to wise-ass remarks.
I sometimes marvel at this thing. What is it? Where did it come from? Does it belong inside of me or should we see if the zoo has a space for it? Then it ocurs to me that maybe it’s just me trying to get out. Just me, saying, ‘Pay attention to me. I am worthy. I matter.’
The truth is I will probably never know - no matter how much I try. No matter how much I want to know. I will never figure out why I sometimes feel I’m just not good enough. How about you?
WC
Is There Any Good News?
Posted on October 26, 2007 - Filed Under Life, bad hair day, clueless, introspection
Is there anything good going on in the world, because I need to hear about it. Predictions of $100 a barrell oil (which means $8 a gallon for us?), people nervous about Iran, our leaders have zero percent approval and all of the candidates for the next big race stink. California almost burned to the ground, people get ruder every day, you can’t smoke in your car and several cities apparently, we’re all going to be paying for universal healthcare, Al Gore is a hero, Bin Laden is just misunderstood, taxes will go up, Hillary will win by default, stop signs mean nothing and McDonald’s is considered a restaurant?
I know I could stick my head in the sand and think of only puppy dogs and butterflies. Not read the news or listen to the radio and forget about politics. I could get my hands on some feel good meds and look at the nice sunset. I could write stories where life is fair and everybody lives happily ever after…But…
I’m too scared to look away. Too scared to pretend this too shall pass. Too scared that not enough of us are paying attention. Too scared that the chicken littles are winning the game and we won’t know it until we’re just part of the Matrix.
Things are just looking too much like a bad sci-fi movie to me, with all of us as the unwitting bit players, saying our lines, while thinking about what we’ll have for lunch.
Zelda would say, ‘hey it’s just something to do. It’ll change, it always does.” But does it? Will it? Does the bad never end?
WC
Is Reflection a Bad Thing?
Posted on April 12, 2007 - Filed Under Blogging, Feedback, Random Thoughts, Writers, art, introspection, my opinions, reflections, writing
Lately it seems I’ve been stumbling upon various posts that complain about the introspective (selfish?) nature of bloggers. Too self involved, too much ME and not enough THEM or IT (I guess?).
It made me wonder because recently I’ve been writing some ‘think’ pieces. Have I been just thinking out loud, instead of writing? Thoughts that shouldn’t be spoken or written but kept to myself? Maybe I’ve just been bumming y’all out without realizing it. Cringe. And hey, maybe that’s something bloggers shouldn’t do. Or maybe it’s just something I shouldn’t do?
Is it arrogant to think that anyone out there is interested in my inner thoughts? Could be they’re ‘inner’ for a reason. Hmmm.
But if that’s the case, doesn’t that violate that old writer’s chestnut about writing what one knows? The goal of writing in part is to write it real and to be true and honest in what we write. If that’s the case, then how can we write without looking inward and reporting what we find there?
Is reflection part of that or is it just pure indulgence? I really don’t know - so please feel free to jump in and offer your opinions about it.
We all have our reasons for blogging - we all write for a reason, but isn’t it a universal truth that writers (or any artist for that matter) write because they feel they have a voice and want it to be heard. That they have something to say? I mean, somebody has to say something, don’t they? Even writers/bloggers who write as though they are above it all - aren’t they really just espousing their opinions too? Aren’t they writing from the core they call self?
I don’t know - it could be there are those of you out there who can write from the ‘outside’ as observers. Maybe that’s the way it ought to be. But in my mind, if you’re writing from the ‘outside’ as an observer then aren’t you just recording what you see and hear? And if so, are you the origin or just the conduit through which the reporting of facts and events come?
Me? I write from the inside out. It’s my way and always will be. Call it indulgent, call it self-absorbed, call it egotistical - call it whatever you like. For me, it’s the only way to go.
What about you? From the outside or the inside? Is reflection actually a thing that is better left unsaid and in your head?
WC
An Answer For Everything…
Posted on April 5, 2007 - Filed Under Feedback, Just For Fun, Life, Opinions, Random Thoughts, Self Esteem, WTF?, What If?, acts of idiocy, adventure, brain farts, double yoiks, imagination, in my head, introspection, meme, my opinions, really stupid shit, reflections, voices in my head
When I was a kid, my mom used to say I always had an answer for everything, which was code for ‘you’re such a smart aleck’ but I enjoyed nonetheless.
Well, this isn’t really a post about that though.
Debi of Ms Crankypants has posed three questions for me to answer -an off-shoot of the whole Alabaster Crippens meme - and I decided to answer them here.
So here goes:
1) What event from your childhood or teen years still has a lasting effect on you to this day?
This is a tough one because it is quite personal. But what the heck… When I was about 12, I was very excited because I had managed to save a good deal of money for Christmas gifts. I really wanted to buy something special for my mother. So, I really budgeted the money for the other gifts on my list so I’d have enough left over to buy her a real gold cross on a chain. She had mentioned many times how she had wanted one and I was thrilled that I was going to be able to give her one. I bought the cross, tiny though it was and on a very delicate chain, it was still 14k gold and I couldn’t wait for Christmas day to arrive.
After weeks of agonizing waiting Christmas day arrived and I gave her the gift. Beside myself with anticipation. When she opened it, she cried and I was elated that she was so touched. But then she said, ‘It’s so small. Is that all you think of me, to give me something so small?’ (or words to that effect). I was crushed of course and disappointed. And I think I tried to explain to her but honestly, it’s a bit of a blur what was said after that point.
At the time, I thought she was being mean. Or maybe that she just didn’t love me very much or less than my brothers and sister. And I vowed I would never buy her anything that would ever enter the area of ’special’ again because I couldn’t bear that kind of reaction from her again.
But in retrospect, I don’t think she was being mean. I think that she had many insecurities and self doubts. And that for some reason that necklace reinforced those insecurities and doubts. That in her mind, it validated her fear that she didn’t matter. And to me, that is even sadder that my mother wouldn’t know how much I was trying to please her and make her happy.
It has always affected my relationship with her and I’ve always felt tenuous with her and worry whenever I have to buy her a gift or send her a card. I try to pretend that it doesn’t matter but it does. She has a birthday coming up and I spent days trying to find something to send her that I thought she would like. I settled on something but I have little hope she’ll like it. I know she’ll say she does but…
Anyway, that’s the answer to that one.
2) What is the purpose of imagination and where does it come from?
I believe the purpose of imagination is to bring about the future. Without imagination, we would not have any of our modern technology, music, art, literature - artists are the dreamers of our society and they through their art dream and bring into reality products of their imaginations.
3) What book would YOU want to have written, and why?
Without question I would have wanted to write Atlas Shrugged. There are several reasons why. I strongly identified with Dagny Taggert, a true individual who did not care what others thought of her and was guided by her own conscience and values, despite incredible influences to act otherwise. She would not compromise her beliefs or ideals. Also, I believe it is one of the most important books ever written because it makes the case that we are each responsible and accountable for our actions or inactions and that no one is owed a living, wherewithall, possessions, or status that is not earned. To me, a definitive text of the 20th century and modern society. And probably most importantly, because it was an elegant and flawlessly written story that continued until it was truly over. Rather than ending on a specified page count.
Well Debi, there you have it. That was interesting… 
WC
It’s Official - They Hate Me
Posted on March 20, 2007 - Filed Under WTF?, bad hair day, clueless, crap!, head exploding, introspection, my opinions, temporary insanity, voices in my head, working stiff
Okay, so you all know that the new job has been rough from the beginning. But today was the ultimate - one of my staff informed me that they all hate me. Just call me office road kill. Imagine my joy at the news.
Followed by the doctor getting in my face about something, followed by the consultant making fun of me for being upset. I don’t think I’m going to make it there.
I think I am just the wrong person for the job. I have no one to talk to - and feel like such an outsider there it is just misery.
The worse part of it is - that my blogging has really sucked since I started the job too - which really pisses me off.
I don’t know what I’m going to do - I don’t even know what I can do. Tomorrow I have lunch with the doctor and the consultant - during which I expect them to get on me about whatever - so that will be a meal I won’t be eating.
I never knew I was so unlovable and in fact detestible. Gives one pause, you know? Sorry for the whining but it’s the only thing I can really think about right now. Can you say, ‘head exploding’?
WC
Live for the Moment?
Posted on January 2, 2007 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, Dreams, I gots to have it, Life, Rants/Opinions, WTF?, What If?, acts of valor, adventure, bad hair day, double yoiks, future, head exploding, i dunno, in my head, introspection, little rants, my opinions, possibilities, reflections, voices in my head
Remember when you were a little kid and you were so full of plans you could barely sit still? You could hardly gulp down your dinner you were so looking forward to running across the street to play with your pal Suzie or Joe? How you fell asleep dreaming of being a superhero, the Lone Ranger, Wonder Woman or maybe even Richard Simmons? You just couldn’t wait to get to tomorrow.
Then what happened? You grew up, right? Suddenly you were living for today. You couldn’t bear thinking past the here and now. Too many things could go wrong, the job sucks, you’re not doing what you want to do, you’re not living your dream…maybe you don’t even think about your dreams that much anymore. And maybe even your dreams have diminished - you no longer dream of making the world your oyster - you’d be happy if you were a couple of payments ahead on the mortgage and if you could go a whole month without car trouble. Sound familiar?
Living life takes so much time and trouble, there is little room for the dreams big or small. You’re stuck. You’re here and that’s pretty much all you can deal with. And maybe you don’t mind too much - you’ve grown up now - the dreams well…they were kidstuff - not realistic - a lot of trouble for too little return. You’ve found a comfortable spot in the present and now take that familiar ride day in and day out.
But you know…I think that’s what’s wrong with most of us. Why we’re so damned tired at the end of the day. Why life’s ups and downs drive us nuts. We’re stuck in the present. We’re neurotic. We obsess, we worry, we fret, we bitch, moan and complain. There isn’t enough time in the day, enough days in the week, enough weeks in the month, enough months in the year to really get to anything done that hasn’t posed itself as some sort of daily emergency.
Tune ups, parent-teacher meetings, grocery shopping, meal cooking, child care, laundry, dental appointments and more eat up the day and keep us stuck. In our heads, in our lists, in our never-ending tedious day to day lives. There’s just nothing left at the end of the day.
But I don’t think it’s supposed to be that way. Seriously, when you think about it, isn’t life really about the future? Isn’t it about the plans we make to conquer this or that? Own this or that? Master this or that? Be this or that? Even if you break it down - why are you working today if not to at least put food on the table tomorrow? Why are you getting up today if you aren’t planning to go from point A to point B as the day progresses? You eat so you’ll be alive tomorrow, you exercise so you can fit into that pair of jeans tomorrow or next week or next month, yes? I think you do. I think you have to. I think that if one doesn’t have the purpose of creating tomorrow there is no today or maybe there is only today.
So I have to disagree with all those nifty greeting cards and posters and cardboard characters in movies that laud the philosophy of living for the moment - live for today - carpe diem and all that crap. If you live for the moment then what happens to you when the moment has passed? Ah…right you go on to the next moment - and that is the future, isn’t it?
By and large, I think that’s what’s been bugging me lately. I’ve been so stuck in the here and now that thinking about tomorrow hasn’t even been an option. So worried about this thing or that thing that even thinking got to be too painful. It’s just been all about getting through the day or the moment. Making it through with minimal damage, injury and disaster. And frankly, that ain’t no way to live - I think it’s a trap. I think that there are people out there who want to convince you and me that living for the moment is all we get. All we’re entitled to.
Now why would someone want that, you’d probably ask. Good question. Simple answer could be power. There are people in the world who want to control things, people, events. Some do it on a grand scale and some on a small scale but they do it. The boss that is hypercritical until you are so apathetic and co-dependent that thinking an original thought much less saying it out loud never happens anymore. The nagging spouse who thinks every creative thing you want to do is stupid or crazy. The friend who tells you to get a grip when you voice one of your whacky ideas. Yeah, they all want you to live in the moment - they want you to stay stuck in each and every moment - because if you don’t why hell you might actually create something - might actually cause some effect on the world. Which of course might give you some control of your own life.
I admit it’s not easy to live for the future. It’s hard work to battle all the resistance and inertia that abounds all around you. Just think back on last week during the ‘holiday’ did you try to get something done? Did it feel like you were dancing in peanut butter? There you go. It’s tough - people get grumpy - you get grumpy but you have to do it. If you don’t the future, just happens to you and when that happens it’s never a future of your making - it is the future that has been made for you.
Personally, I prefer to make my own. So, I’m going to give that a whirl. I’ll probably fall flat on my face because between you and me I’ve been at this a long time - but if I’m going to fall flat on my face I want to be the one who put me there. Wish me luck.
WC
Mixed Bag
Posted on December 30, 2006 - Filed Under Dear Readers..., Deep thoughts, Life, Random Thoughts, adventure, good wishes, head exploding, i dunno, in my head, introspection, motivation, reflections, voices in my head, yoiks
Usually the end of the year is a pretty fun time for me. I love the holidays and the cooking and the eating and the laughing and all around making jolly stuff. A week of happy absent-mindedness follows and then the new year sort of mosies on in - like a new pair of comfy slippers you slide into. Then I start the traditional de-cluge and start chucking accumulated junk, clothes that don’t fit or I never wear, knick knacks that are weird, old socks, dustballs, furballs, this, that and so on. The purge feels good, and it goes nicely with the taking down the tree and putting away all the Christmas stuff routine. Then I start to make plans - what do I want to accomplish in the new year? What do I want to try? Who do I want to meet? Where do I want to go? Stuff like that.
However, this year has not been like that. It kicked off in a sort of rocky fashion and really it’s been rough waters for pretty much the whole ride. It started off asking for a raise and getting a token one - big disappointment but I managed to live with it. Constant attempts at diets that just didn’t go anywhere but the back of my mind to nag me. A lot of shifts in relationships - some good, some bad. A lot of the ‘usual’ activities carried on with my friends didn’t happen. We saw less of each other - busy lives, other things and responsibilities to attend to, shit happens. Roomie was laid off and even though it didn’t happen to me, I still felt the sting of it in a thousand different, tiny little ways - and I even got a bit depressed about it. Zelda, my usual comrade in adventure was otherwise engaged between work and caring for a friend who had suddenly taken ill. The company I work for started to tumble and is tumbling still - which may not seem like a big deal to many but I’d worked very hard to market the company and get its revenue up and had succeeded (hence the request for a raise) and then it all went to shit. I honestly don’t know where we’re going from here. The little voice tells me to get another job - and perhaps that is what will happen - but when you invest that much effort and creativity in something it hurts to see it go by the wayside.
I also started blogging. At a friend’s urging. I didn’t think I’d like it and was surprised to discover I did - and how. There were times, honestly, no lie, when the only thing I had to look forward to was blogging. To see comments from readers, to see my hit stats increasing and increasing. In a strange way, it got me through some very depressed moments. For that, I thank you, Michael and you, readers. Obviously, I couldn’t have done it without you and no matter what happens in the future it’s been a helluva ride and a delight by and large.
The other byproduct of this year is that I find I’ve been doing a lot more thinking that I usually do - I suppose part of it is because of the blogging because you’re always looking at what you’re going to post next - you’re more engaged in the thought process of life I suppose because of it. But it was also what has been happening in the world this last year - politically speaking, it’s been brutal to the point that I can sometimes barely stand to read any news. So much hatred and vitriole spewed this way and that. So much stupidity and lack of care from people in general. Efforts to essentially outlaw religion, rename Christmas and turn our government into the evil, maniacal machine - whilst fellows like Chavez for example is some great humanitarian. Turns my stomach. And made me seriously worry about what will happen to our world if we don’t wake up and do something.
So, I’d have to say this year has been a mixed bag and the new year coming seems to be a mystery bag in the making. I don’t know the course the ship is going to take - but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe if I let the ship guide me the adventure will be a delightful surprise. I sure hope so.
Happy New Year everybody. It’s been a pleasure meeting and knowing every one of you. I thank you for the pleasure of your company, your comments, your insights and your humor. A completely unanticipated but much appreciated gift.
Much love,
WC
What I Don’t Say
Posted on November 16, 2006 - Filed Under Deep thoughts, Life, Random Thoughts, head exploding, in my head, introspection, voices in my head
I care too much. That is my problem.
Whether it’s about minor problems with my car - or the pain and suffering of people I don’t know.
Passion some might call it. Emotionalism could be another name. Intensity. Volatility. Sensitivity. Any of these fit - truth be told.
Of course I try not care, which doesn’t work anyway. No matter how much I tell myself it doesn’t matter to me, it does.
It’s the way I am wired.
And my biggest fear is that there is no other half to me. That I am a broken piece that cannot be fixed.
