“The Nosmo King”
Posted on November 21, 2008 - Filed Under Guest Post, Just For Fun, adventure, little rants
I sell cigars and tobacco for a living.
It makes sense that when I leave at the end of the day that I smell not totally unlike your grandfather or uncle used to if he smoked a pipe or cigars.
While it’s not the finest smell in the world to many, I can think of several colognes/perfumes I dislike much more.
Actually, some reek to the high heavens.
Case in point: I got on the train a week ago and sat next to this princess.
She immediately turned to me and said, “Ugghh… do you smoke?”
I was taken by surprise but I looked at her and said, “Uhh . . . Yyyeah. . . ”
“Well,” she says, extremely irritated, “I’m pregnant!”
I really wanted to say, “Oh, I thought you were just really fat.”
But I bit my lip and in my stupefied state muttered, “Jesus Christ,” before I got up and moved to another seat.
What the hell does the fact that I smoke have to do with being somewhere in this woman’s proximity?
Would the aroma cause some strange birth anomaly?
I’m still shaking my head over this one and wondering if I’m the one in the wrong here.
And I’m still pissed that this chaste, self-righteous and corpulent A-hole basically wanted me to know I was an unacceptable seating partner simply because I smoke.
If I was smoking on the train, yes, I’m an inconsiderate idiot and should be thrown off while the train is moving.
I work in a cigar store where people smoke cigars all freakin’ day, so sue me.
Any thoughts?
Or is it just a total over-reaction from me?
I could use a good smartass Groucho Marx quote right about now . . .
I still can’t believe anyone in the world would ever screw this bitch.
Jesus Krispies.
Please Buy My Crap
Posted on November 16, 2008 - Filed Under Just For Fun, adventure, brain farts
So, yesterday was the big garage sale. The fact that it was the the hottest, windiest day of the year and a forest fire was blazing just five miles away didn’t stop me. Nope, I was up at 5 am and dragging crap around in front of the house.
Now there is a special way to lay out a garage sale when you’re in 25mile per hour winds. Have to be extra careful of glass items and God forbid you don’t anchor the clothes to the trees, just right. You know? So much for a nice display. I was just trying to keep everything from flying over the hill onto the freeway, lest I be the inadvertant cause of a 20 car pile up.
I was encouraged when I got some early birders who bought stuff right off. But there were long lulls of dry winds and nobody coming by. I listed the sale on Craigslist (everybody knows craigslist, right?) but I doubt any of the people who came by had anything to do with that since you end up so far down the list so fast that it ain’t funny. Luckily Roomie was in a good mood and made signs and kept going out to scout new places to hang them. I’m sure that’s the only reason anyone came off the beaten path to check out my wares. And he kept me company too (for part of the day anyway) which helped.
What was really strange is what sold. I expected things like furniture to go quickly but it didnt. In fact, most of my weirder stuff sold. Like the little elf suit I bought my dog last year so I could take pictures of her in it for xmas. A cheap clip on lamp - my old boom box, purses, costume jewelry, vhs tapes and cassettes.
To my utter shock and dismay nobody bit on the furniture - nobody needed a desk or a hutch or bookshelves, apparently. I guess if it wasn’t weird they didn’t want it. Go figure. God Bless Roomie for loading all that crap up in his truck and dragging it down to the thrift store for me. I have a trunkful of odds and ends to drop myself but there you have it.
Considering few of the ‘big ticket items’ (if one can say such a thing of a garage sale) sold, I did okay. I mean, what can you expect? You are essentially asking people to buy your crap and well if the weather isn’t nice and you’re not on a freeway off ramp, it is rather inconvenient for them to come by and pick through your possessions like black crows on a roadkill, you know? So, I got some pocket money and some gas money and I guess that is something to be grateful for.
The funny thing is that even though it feels a little weird to sell your stuff and sit on the floor in a nearly empty room, writing a post with the keyboard in your lap, it is kind of freeing to let go of all of it. Something about being down to few material goods does something for me every now and then. And really how hard is it to replace things that have no true sentimental value to you?
Though by the time 1 o’clock rolled around I was exhausted and every muscle in my body ached. I slept nine hours last night, which was good since I really needed it. I still feel a little creaky and that I’m too old for the crap but I’ll get over it.
Today, I clean and clean and then clean some more. Yay, one of my favorite activities. At least I’ll have breffy with Zelda first and a quick trip to Target for moving supplies. I love field trips, don’t you?
Anyway friends, I’m that much closer to kissing L.A. goodbye and moving onto my new life. And that’s a good thing.
Let the Handouts Begin!
Posted on November 12, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, acts of idiocy, are we idiots?, assclowns, dear santa
Well, heckfire folks, our savior is not even in office yet and already an early Christmas has begun. This little item and this little item shows that Congress really does believe in Santa Claus since apparently they want to emulate him.
My, my, universal healthcare, mandatory tithes to the UN and while we’re at it, let’s make sure all the companies who can’t keep their shit together get a little incentive (bail out) while we’re at it, eh? Noice… it’s giving me some very good ideas. I think I’ll start a public company, mismanage it, take a huge salary and then beg Congress to bail me out instead of throwing my ass in jail. I think it’s quite the workable plan, don’t you?
Grit may be right, the world will end in 2012. I do believe the meltdown is coming fast folks, implosion city no longer seems to be a sparkling bauble on a distant hill. Nope, it’s just down the street now.
Well, all I can say is Merry Christmas GM and thanks Congress for giving us a final farewell gift (for which we will undoubtedly be able to blame Bush) as we rapidly approach the end of the winter session. At least I hope it’s rapid, God knows we can’t afford too much more of your generosity - we have presents to buy too you know? Of course maybe we’ll get some discount coupons for something off the back lot as some sort of incentive to balance out all the increased taxes you’ll lay on us in order to pay for all these gifts, eh?
I think you may have to practice a might more to really get the Santa personna down though, specifically the lumps of coal angle, check the subject index in the Santa Handbook for that one. Just a tip. 
Oh and Nancy, I think it’s time to nix the close ups - it’s Merry Christmas, not scary Christmas.
Family Affair…
Posted on November 4, 2008 - Filed Under Family, Humor, Just For Fun, brain farts
I don’t know about you but family has always been a very strange and mysterious creature to me. Perhaps I don’t have the standard family gene or my ideas about family are just flat out strange. Which quite possibly is saying the same thing in two different ways. Anyway, my family is I suppose like anyone else’s, a combination of sitcom, soap opera and amusement park rides (E ticket of course). I love my family but I have to say I’m not very much like them. Like not at all.
In fact, Mom used to say that I was a gift from the mailman. As a young child this confused me and I seriously wondered if I was mailed to them and maybe because they had an extra room they decided to keep me rather than pay the return postage. Though Mom also used to say I was born 40 which really made me wonder why I wasn’t a C section and why I wasn’t allowed to have my own apartment - but I digress…
I find the whole concept of family just a little strange. Here you are born into a group of people with whom you may or may not have anything in common (beyond the genetic pool and markers) and yet you must love them. You must have holiday dinners with them, remember their birthdays, call them on the phone occasionally and forgive when they do some really shitty things. It’s about love and all that. But there is no other relationship on Earth where you are not allowed to choose it, right? I mean you choose your friends, they aren’t just given to you at birth, are they? And we choose our spouses/significant others, yes? Even your co-workers and neighbors you choose (at least a little) and if it turns out you don’t like them you can quit your job or move. With family not so much.
With family you take what you get, right? If you have a crazy Uncle Joe who likes to play the national anthem on his empty Budwieser bottles, you’re kind of stuck with him. Can’t exactly go to the uncle exchange store and swap him out for a nicer more likeable model. If Mom is all twittery, you can’t drug her and make her like Mrs. Cleaver, you just have to live with twittery. And parents can’t trade in their evil little hellraisers for sweeter Beaver Cleaver models either. So you learn to live with it - or you disown them en masse or individually. Though honestly, that really doesn’t work because for whatever reason there is that pull - that invisible silly string that tangles you up with them somehow in way that no other group of people can tangle you.
They can try to devour you on a daily basis, blame you for the sky falling and give you the worst Christmas presents ever, yet still….that pull, that magnetic force that binds you will not release you. Even if you separate yourself from them physically, you can never do so mentally or emotionally. They all sit in the back of your head arguing over the Christmas dinner table, while you’re dodging the mashed potatoes and gravy. Face it folks, their yours and you’re theirs. And no matter how many battles, laughs, tears or whatevers ain’t nothing ever going to change that. Weird, huh?
Is This You?
Posted on November 3, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, bad hair day, brain farts
Is This You?
- Feelings of inadequacy?
- Suffer from shyness?
- You sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting
(H.T. to my friend Jenny from Texas - Have a good Monday, folks!)
Love Her or Hate Her…
Posted on October 26, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, Politics, candidates
Sarah Palin, the pubbie VP candidate is certainly the topic of discussion around the old water cooler. Personally, I dig her for a variety of reasons but this is not about that. Well maybe it is a little. Click the link and watch one of the best Saturday Night Live skits I’ve seen in a while.
UPDATE: For those of you who can’t get the first link to work try this one - apparently YouTube is blocking all the Sarah Palin vids???? Strange, eh?
You have to give her a little credit on this one and it’s pretty damn funny. Have a good weekend.
Sunday Haha’s
Posted on October 19, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun
New Stock Market Glossary:
CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
Redneck Joke:
Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood!
Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, twelve Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.
“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd….Did the Sheriff come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they split you r firewood?”
“Yep!”
“Happy Birthday, buddy!”
Pass the Jim Beam…
Posted on October 18, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, brain farts, funny pics
A very good argument to keep drinking, I’d say, wouldn’t you? H.T. to Ger for the image.
Weekend Toons - Mixed Bag
Posted on October 12, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, brain farts
Hey Everybody, hope you’re having a great weekend - I know I am. A few toons to make you giggle - see you Monday. 
And if those don’t ring your bells - here’s a link to one of the funniest comedy bits I’ve ever seen. Warning, adult subject matter. LOL.
Which Comes First, the Chicken or the Egg?
Posted on October 6, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, brain farts
(h.t. to my buddy jennyintexas)
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, ‘Well, I guess we finally answered that question.’
