Play Ball!
Posted on September 24, 2008 - Filed Under Baseball, Just For Fun, brain farts, laughs, my opinions
So my little sister, Kathy was in town over the weekend. She comes out once a year to see friends, she once lived out here and then ultimately decided to go back to Michigan and make her permanent home there. Anyway, usually when she comes out we meet have a long lunch and then that’s it. This time out however, I suggested we try doing something more fun than a house salad and iced tea at the Black Cow.
She was receptive to the idea and we decided we’d take in a ballgame. She took care of getting the tickets and scaring up other chums to join us and all was cool. A few days later I got an email from her husband asking me to call her because of course she didn’t have my phone number with her. So, I took down the number and made the call. Now, you have to understand that Kath lives in the Detroit area and I always forget how much more direct they are out there, it’s been so long since I lived there and I’ve lived in California for pretty much all of my adult life - you know land of the nuts and twigs where everything is just nice and easy? Anyway, I call her cell and get her message which goes like this -”This is Kathy, you got my cell phone, leave a message. Good bye.” If I were to explain the tone though the message would have been more like: “this is Kathy, you wanna make something out that? So, you wanna leave a message, huh? Well go ahead, I dare ya!” I swear I was laughing so hard I could hardly leave the message. But that’s my sis, God love her, she is nothing if not direct.
So, she gets in town we have a nice breffy on Saturday morning - she asks if I want to join her at the LaBrea Tar Pits, which I decline because I have work to do and we part company. Sunday, is game day and her friend Dar comes by my house (since she lives nearby) so Kath can just swing by and pick us both up because still after four years it is a mystery to her how to get around my little burg - not sure why since there is only one main road and is quite a small little place but it just causes her problems. So Dar comes over we have coffee and some toast and chat away, waiting for Kath. The game is at one and it’s nearly noon so we’re wondering. Sure enough the phone rings and “I’m lost, pick up the phone, where are you - hello, hello, helloooooo?” Okay, pick up the phone, yes turn around, hang a right at the Starbuck’s - okay see you in a minute.”
All right then finally she’s there, we all pile into the car and we’re off. As we’re driving toward the 5 she says, ‘now how do you get to Dodger Stadium again? Should we be on the 5 or the 2?’ She says this to a car full of women who of course have no fricking idea where we are going. We resolve in the end to stay on the 5 because the 5 leads to all things in Southern California and we figure we’ll see the signs for the stadium. Well as soon as we start to see them then traffic comes to a halt and it takes about 35 minutes to just get off the off ramp to the stadium and another 10 to get the half mile to the stadium, people racing up the turn lane and cutting in front which pisses her off more.
At last we reach the stadium, park in the lower 40 and start the half mile hike to the stadium - when we’re just to the gates she remembers she’s forgotten her camera and wants to go back but oh no, we won’t let her. Then through the three bag checks and ticket showing, blah blah. Okay, so here’s the thing we entered at the exact opposite of where we should have, so we walk the entire length of the stadium only to discover we are on the 7th level, up the escalators, into the cramped elevator and at last we find our section, then down to almost the bottom where we find our seats smack dab in the middle of the row. Which is fine for us - not so much for the people who have to stand up during our constant comings and goings.
So I sit down and I say to Dar and Chris at the end of the first inning - ‘okay, well we aren’t going to get any real action til the 7th inning and then it will be neck in neck and then we’ll go into extra innings.’ This is a thing I do - predict ball games. Don’t know why but it just comes into my head and I say it. As the game progressed and my prediction became truer and truer, my seat mates kept glaring at me and saying, ‘God, can’t you let them score already?” I assured them I only predicted I didn’t have the power to intercede. It was good though because that gave us plenty of time to go and buy stuff and visit the bathroom and smoke a couple of cigarettes. I had my hotdog and beer for a mere $15 dollars. Yup, beer was 12 ounces and cost $8 - hey somebody has to pay those salaries right? So we sat in the sweltering sun - watched inning after innning with no runs, over and over. It did start to get a little interesting but by the bottom of the 9th Kathy says, if they don’t score by the end of this inning you want to go? Of course we did, we are girls after all and none of us really had a horse in the race -so yeah, we were game for leaving. Sure enough no runs so up we got, promising the people on the aisle it was our last departure from the seats and we started for the exits. Of course the other three had to hit the ladies room first - go figure. Then just as we got to the car we heard the crowd going ape shit, which probably meant that somebody scored and since the Dodgers were playing their arch rivals the Giants I’m assuming it was the Dodgers who scored. Ironically, we didn’t bother to turn the radio on when we got in the car to see who scored or if anyone scored, the ball game now just being a thing of the past and air conditioning and finding a frozen margarita far more parmount in our minds.
And that my friends is how four women enjoy a baseball game. Oh and the magaritas were divine. And I still don’t know who won that game. 
Ooopsie Daisy
Posted on August 24, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, Life, adventure, double yoiks, laughs
Well, believe it or not, somebody gave me an award. Who knew? It was my good chum, Teeni, who is always looking out for me and doing nice things. The explanation of why I was chosen for this award is here.
Here’s the scoop on the award itself:
The Oops award was created and is to be given to bloggers who inspire others with their humor and their talents, also for contributing to the blogging world in whatever medium. When you receive this award it is considered a “special honor”. Once you have received this award, you are to pass it on to others.”
The rules for passing this honor on:
1) Pick 5 blogs that you would like to award this honor to.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Oops” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.
All righty then, humor, hmmm…who tickles my fancy?
Well, I’m definitely going to have to pass this onto Evyl - because no one can elicit quite the giggles from me like he can. And he is responsible for creating quite a few giggles blogosphere-wide, all the way to the Land Down Under, from what I hear. He’s rude, he’s crude he’s quite a dude. Love ya darlin’
A new addition to my group of bloggy chums is Panther this is one funny woman and she does it with such panache and style I feel perfectly vogue whenever I am at her site, reading. She’s witty, she’s charming and she sparkles. I promise, really, it’s true.
Then there’s my whacky and wild friend, Curious C. She is curious and she can go off on a tangent like nobody’s business, and yet you totally know what she’s talking about. She loves American Idol and her glass of wine and she finds joy and humor everywhere. God love her, cuz I do.
Joan of Fun - now Joanie and I have a very special relationship, I find the dumbasses and then send her after them with her cane and video camera. Well actually I don’t find the dumbasses, Joanie seems quite capable of doing that herself. She has a hysterical view of life and always makes me smile.
Grit, or Mr. Photoshop as I like to call him - he has searing sense of the ridiculous and loves to doctor photos, what more could you ask for? And he’s an equal oportunity insulter, so nobody is left out in his satirical and often hilarious posts.
Okay then, there you have. Go and be free and funny my children. Thanks Teens for the award and I hope the other kids like theirs too.
Zelda and the Money Pit
Posted on August 19, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, Life, WTF?, adventure, brain farts, double yoiks, laughs, little dictators, losers, my opinions, really stupid shit, republicans
Many of you are familiar with my good friend Zelda, we have had many adventures in the past and continue have them, even as we approach our broken down middle aged years. Last year she and another friend of hers decided they didn’t want to work for the rest of their lives and thought it would be a really smart idea to invest in some real estate. They wanted to do the old flipping thing. You know, you buy a place, fix it up and then sell it? Easy as flapjacks, right?
Well Zelda being Zelda, naturally chose the perfect moment to go into this business -about 6 weeks before the crash. Isn’t there a saying…timing is everything…. Before they even had the first wall knocked down the value of property had evaporated like 7-11 gasoline. Though the property they bought was a very cool place up in the canyons with a spectacular view and lots of potential - it had been owned and lived in by a couple of crack heads for years and the work to just make the place livable was overwhelming, much less make it a showcase.
Now before all of this, Zelda had a small, albeit, thriving consulting business which she was doing smashingly with and making very nice income from and was more than comfortable. In fact, she was the only really prosperous one in our group of friends and we often had barbecues, summer cookouts and parties over there and had a lot of fun. Zelda bought the food, we cooked it and everyone ate it - a nice arrangement we all thought. Then this new business idea came to her in a dream or something and within weeks she went from snazzy, savvy businesswoman to beat-up, down-trodden day worker. Each time I saw her she had some new nerve damage, gash, cut, abrasion or burn. I secretly wondered if she was training for an xTreme fighting club soon to debut in Madison Square Garden.
Over the last several months, she has continued to rennovate and do improvements on the place - and whenever asked how much longer to go, her response was, ‘just a couple more weeks’ and after a while none of us asked her because it was apparent that Zelda was going to continue doing improvements until the house was bought and sold and the family moved in and asked her to leave.
She has lost 20 pounds, of which she is quite proud, however, being unable to stand upright and walk without a limp does take away from the newfound svelte figure and really how sexy can you be in a pair of steel toed boots and your big brothers jeans and tees?
Oh yes, back to the money pit part. I cannot reveal how much they paid for the house nor how much they have spent, however I can say that of the 67 credit cards she has, she isn’t sure if any of them have enough left on them to buy dinner, her secret stash is gone, the line of credit they got with the house is gone, her personal lines of credit are gone - and well, they are pretty much going to have to sell the house for close to one million in order to make it worth their while. Yes, welcome to real estate investment in sunny California, folks. It just really isn’t like those cable tv shows where a coat of paint and some new curtains does the trick. To name just a few of the major projects for this house, they: built two decks, refurbished the fireplace, gutted and redid the kitchen, gutted and redid the master bath, built a laundry room, rewired, repiped, put on a new roof, painted inside and out, reguttered, rebuilt the corral and now are tending to the minor details, I wonder if it would have been cheaper to just knock down the old house and start from scratch. We’ll never know.
So anyway, please pray for Zelda, who now has the house listed and it really does look quite beautiful - but if she doesn’t sell it soon, she’ll be living in my backyard, existing on tomatoes, eggplant and mystery squash.
UPDATE:
Zelda just sent me a couple photos here:
Unfortuantely, they do don’t the place justice - the first of the living room and the second is the view from the master bedroom deck.
Also Zelda gave me the following message for you:
Please tell everyone I popped in, and thank them for their well wishes. The double vision is clearing up and I believe that the skull fracture is, in fact, healed. Brain damage was… OK I was going to say minimal, but that may not be entirely true, right? Zelda
Wet Christmas
Posted on December 7, 2007 - Filed Under Christmas, Just For Fun, brain farts, laughs
One of my favorite songs of all time is White Christmas - and I really love the movie too. But when this song was written, it was a kinder, gentler time. I wonder if Irving Berlin were around these days what he would have come up with. I thought I’d come up with my own updated version, and given all the global warming thing, I think Wet Christmas is probably more appropos. And just as a little side note, I dedicate this to my good buddy, Mikey. Especially the last line. WC
I’m dreaming of a wet Christmas
cuz it’s not cold enough for snow.
All the trees are listless
and kids assist us
to hear cell phones yelling ‘ho’
I’m dreaming of a wet Christmas
with every credit card I swipe.
Hope your days aren’t laden with hype
and may all your christmases not bite.
(repeat second verse after musical interlude)
When I’m 64
Posted on October 6, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, brain farts, friends, kindred, laughs
[ HT to my buddy Jenny ]
Two old ladies, Maude & Mabel, are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke. When it starts to rain, Mabel pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, fits it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Maude: Where in the hell did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously surprised since Maude is quite ancient, but it is not his place to judge.
Pharmacist: Is there any particular brand that you prefer, Madame?
Maude: Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.
At which point, the pharmacist promptly fainted.
Hmmm….
Posted on September 15, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, funny pics, laughs
Some things are just inevitable. WC
IPhone - I-Insane
Posted on August 14, 2007 - Filed Under I gots to have it, WTF?, brain farts, laughs, my opinions, really stupid shit
I guess I’m kind of old fashioned, since I’m not one of those people who wait with distraction for the next great technological gadget to hit the market. Unlike, apparently, millions. Before the Iphone was released people were camping on line at Best Buy, Circuit City or wherever the heck they sell the thang, in hopes of getting one of their very own.
The commericals are cute and make it all sound so simple. Every little thing you could want, all in one, cool looking little gadget. What’s not to love? Well, I think for what they’re charging maybe they should throw in a personal assistant too, but that’s me.
Anyway, needless to say it is a hit and thousands or millions or bagillions are now happily enjoying their new little window to the world and feeling super cool and possibly a little superior. Since Ipods are such popular targets for thieves, I can only imagine how much they are going to love the Iphone. Make sure you take out some gadget insurance on these puppies, folks.
And just when I thought I’d seen everything, I happened upon this little article. Apparently, this fellow felt his texting speed simply wasn’t fast enough. His solution - surgery. Yep, that’s what I said. The man got surgery to shave down his thumbs so he could improve his texting speed. Wow, I shudder to think what surgeries he have had if he wanted to speed up other things.
There are millions of bizarro stories in the universe and this is one of them.
WC
The Lost Seinfeld Episode
Posted on August 4, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, acts of idiocy, brain farts, funny pics, laughs
I think it was good though, that they went with the Soup Nazi instead, don’t you?
WC
Idious Maximus
Posted on July 26, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, WTF?, acts of idiocy, brain farts, funny bone, laughs
We’ve all encountered idiots during our daily lives, like the fellow who makes a left hand turn from the right lane - the bicyclist who runs a stop sign then expects cars to follow behind him as he travails the center of the lane going 12 m.p.h., the woman who wants to know if Micky D’s uses all organic products in their foods, etc. But sometimes, we encounter the special idiot. The one whose actions are so beyond the pale our jaws hit the floor and keep on going. A friend me a list of just that thing:
IDIOT SIGHTING #1 : Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.”
We haven’t used Sears repair since.
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IDIOT SIGHTING #2 : I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many
deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”
From Kingman , KS
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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE #3 : My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep… From Kansas City!
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IDIOT SIGHTING! #4 : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
Happened in Birmingham, Alabama
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IDIOT SIGHTING #5 : The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
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IDIOT SIGHTING #6 : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:
She was leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a group at Texas Instruments.
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IDIOT SIGHTING #7 : I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
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IDIOT SIGHTING #8 : When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “Its open!” His reply, “I know - I already got that side.”
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi !
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How’s about you? What is the most idiotic thing you’ve seen lately?
WC
Fun With Idioms
Posted on July 23, 2007 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, WTF?, brain farts, funny bone, laughs
I have always loved language - words, definitions, concepts, inferences - could be why I like to write. I think that the history of words and how words have evolved is fascinating. But there is nothing more fascinating than idioms - at least to me.
As a child, I imagined actual cats and dogs raining down from the sky. Worried that if I got sick a frog would hop into my throat and talk for me. Thought a giant cherry pie in the sky would be the most delicious of weather patterns. And worried about the shit hitting the fan and how many baths I’d need to take after the debacle.
Some other favorites:
1. Laughing my ass off. (I love this because the image of a person laughing so hard that their ass actually falls off is hilarious. Imagine the work involved in getting that puppy back on.)
2. Chip on your shoulder. (My mom used to use this one and I always envisioned a giant chocolate chip - Hershey’s semi-sweet to be exact - living on my shoulder that I could nibble on throughout the day. And I thought this would be divine, especially if it didn’t melt.)
3. Cute as a bug’s ear. (Correct me if I’m wrong but do bugs actually have ears. And if they do, I can’t imagine they’d be cute at all. They’d probably be creepy crawler and have poisonous venom in them which would make you go blind or something.)
4. Dead ringer. (Is this a doorbell that doesn’t work? A silent phone? That twirly thing in the washing machine that just won’t work?)
5. Balls to the wall. (I always believed it was a reference to illicit sex while standing up. However, I learned that it’s a pilot’s slang term. Hmmm, is that about the Mile High Club?)
6. Play by ear. (Now wouldn’t it be hard to bang your ear against the instrument? How in the heck would you read the music?)
7. Straight from the horse’s mouth. (Can you say Mr. Ed?)
8. Cold turkey. (Yuck, nothing worse than eating cold turkey - so greasy and slimey.)
9. Nose for news. (Imagine a giant nose interviewing dignitaries and celebrities. Now that is something I’d pay money to see.)
10. You don’t say. (Well yes, as a matter of fact, I do say!)
Those are some of my favorites, what are yours?
WC
