Bad Dreams
Posted on November 14, 2008 - Filed Under Dreams, brain farts, really stupid shit
So, here I am at 1 AM plus sitting at my computer keyboard cuz I had a dream that scared the bageebers outta me. Luckily I was smart enough to wake up or I could be lost in the depths of a bad plot about a doctor going crazy on my ass. You know? But you have to love dreams, don’t you? For all their Alice in Wonderland, crazy plot twists and casts of characters. This one, which thankfully, I vaguely remember was about some doctor who was lecturing me about stealing from him and he was going to ‘get’ me and somehow an old boyfriend figured into the scenario too but he had something to do with critiques on flavors of candy he had invented as well as sleep remedies. And somebody must have been beating me with a stick too because my neck is killing me. Aside from the old boyfriend, I have never met any of the people in the dream, which is freaky cuz man they seem real, so maybe it’s just a novel I need to write that is calling to me from badfuckingdreamland or I shouldn’t have eaten the cheese cracker thingies Roomie offered me last night?
I do (and have often) wonder where these kind of dreams come from. I know there is much psychobabble dedicated to dreams and their ‘meanings’ which for the most part I think is a bunch of hogwash. I mean seriously, how much can you trust the ‘unconscious mind’? It’s unconscious for a reason, right? You don’t trust unconscious people, do you? So why would you put any stock in a mind that was unconscious and what it was trying to tell you? Like babies and puppy dogs, while they are amazingly cute and lovable, if they were giving you advice, would you listen? I think not.
I do, however, believe in premonitions that sometimes come in dreams, as some of those have really hit the mark for me personally. I wonder if there is a difference? There must be, otherwise they’d be as nonsensical as the other dreams, wouldn’t they?
Like my dream, I’m probably not making any sense - or maybe I really can write in my sleep - I guess I’ll let you be the judge of that - but again, what is up with these dreams anyway? Are they just from stress or a string of weird thoughts, snippets of television shows and bad cheese and crackers? I think they are. I think the body just can’t take what we deal out often in our daily lives and so it revolts at night when we aren’t paying attention by causing us to hallucinate about non-existant jobs, trips and blind dates. It is ‘its’ way of getting back at us for not taking good enough care of it. Not feeding it right, pushing it to the point of exhaustion and then forcing it eat and drink very weird stuff (as far as it is concerned anyway).
I have no real point here, I am simply jabbering in the hopes the last vestiges of the dream melts like cotton candy and I can go back to sleep. Any thoughts?
Wednesday Morning Funnies
Posted on August 20, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, brain farts, funny pics, my opinions, really stupid shit
Apparently there is a little known but powerful faerie, known as the bitch faerie. And while there are apparently millions of stories in the naked city, this is one of them:
Ooops, that’s gotta hurt. 
sorry the dialogue is a bit small, but I think the pictorials do the job.
Zelda and the Money Pit
Posted on August 19, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, Life, WTF?, adventure, brain farts, double yoiks, laughs, little dictators, losers, my opinions, really stupid shit, republicans
Many of you are familiar with my good friend Zelda, we have had many adventures in the past and continue have them, even as we approach our broken down middle aged years. Last year she and another friend of hers decided they didn’t want to work for the rest of their lives and thought it would be a really smart idea to invest in some real estate. They wanted to do the old flipping thing. You know, you buy a place, fix it up and then sell it? Easy as flapjacks, right?
Well Zelda being Zelda, naturally chose the perfect moment to go into this business -about 6 weeks before the crash. Isn’t there a saying…timing is everything…. Before they even had the first wall knocked down the value of property had evaporated like 7-11 gasoline. Though the property they bought was a very cool place up in the canyons with a spectacular view and lots of potential - it had been owned and lived in by a couple of crack heads for years and the work to just make the place livable was overwhelming, much less make it a showcase.
Now before all of this, Zelda had a small, albeit, thriving consulting business which she was doing smashingly with and making very nice income from and was more than comfortable. In fact, she was the only really prosperous one in our group of friends and we often had barbecues, summer cookouts and parties over there and had a lot of fun. Zelda bought the food, we cooked it and everyone ate it - a nice arrangement we all thought. Then this new business idea came to her in a dream or something and within weeks she went from snazzy, savvy businesswoman to beat-up, down-trodden day worker. Each time I saw her she had some new nerve damage, gash, cut, abrasion or burn. I secretly wondered if she was training for an xTreme fighting club soon to debut in Madison Square Garden.
Over the last several months, she has continued to rennovate and do improvements on the place - and whenever asked how much longer to go, her response was, ‘just a couple more weeks’ and after a while none of us asked her because it was apparent that Zelda was going to continue doing improvements until the house was bought and sold and the family moved in and asked her to leave.
She has lost 20 pounds, of which she is quite proud, however, being unable to stand upright and walk without a limp does take away from the newfound svelte figure and really how sexy can you be in a pair of steel toed boots and your big brothers jeans and tees?
Oh yes, back to the money pit part. I cannot reveal how much they paid for the house nor how much they have spent, however I can say that of the 67 credit cards she has, she isn’t sure if any of them have enough left on them to buy dinner, her secret stash is gone, the line of credit they got with the house is gone, her personal lines of credit are gone - and well, they are pretty much going to have to sell the house for close to one million in order to make it worth their while. Yes, welcome to real estate investment in sunny California, folks. It just really isn’t like those cable tv shows where a coat of paint and some new curtains does the trick. To name just a few of the major projects for this house, they: built two decks, refurbished the fireplace, gutted and redid the kitchen, gutted and redid the master bath, built a laundry room, rewired, repiped, put on a new roof, painted inside and out, reguttered, rebuilt the corral and now are tending to the minor details, I wonder if it would have been cheaper to just knock down the old house and start from scratch. We’ll never know.
So anyway, please pray for Zelda, who now has the house listed and it really does look quite beautiful - but if she doesn’t sell it soon, she’ll be living in my backyard, existing on tomatoes, eggplant and mystery squash.
UPDATE:
Zelda just sent me a couple photos here:
Unfortuantely, they do don’t the place justice - the first of the living room and the second is the view from the master bedroom deck.
Also Zelda gave me the following message for you:
Please tell everyone I popped in, and thank them for their well wishes. The double vision is clearing up and I believe that the skull fracture is, in fact, healed. Brain damage was… OK I was going to say minimal, but that may not be entirely true, right? Zelda
Leave ‘em Laughing
Posted on August 14, 2008 - Filed Under Blogging, brain farts, clueless, life metaphor, really stupid shit
An old adage from show business, which I suspect started in the Vaudeville days. The logic being that if you could keep the crowd laughing and happy, no harm in the form of a giant hook would come after you. Yep, that would be me. I am that girl. I have been since I can remember. There is just something in me that has always been able to coax a laugh out of anyone. Even people who despise me.
And when you learn something early on in life, it gets used a lot and also, it becomes part of your arsenal of survival. I wouldn’t say I grew up in an unhappy home - but there was a lot of fighting and noise and my mother bless her heart is one high strung woman. Apparently, it was for her, that God gave me this gift. It seemed no matter how upset she would become I could always manage to crack her up. As long as I could stay detached it worked out pretty well.
So, I grew up with this weapon of humor. There were points in my life that I had a repertoire of 200-300 jokes and I could literally tell jokes for 2 hours straight, barely taking a breath in between. Which was good because I was kind of scrawny and geeky when I was a kid and it was probably the only thing that kept the popular kids (read bullies) from humiliating me along with the other geeks and stuffing me in trash cans and lockers. Needless to say, I developed this talent to a veritable art form expanding from mere humor and jokes into witty repartee, sarcasm and ascerbic adventures and continued to hone it through the years.
So much so that it became just who I was. And I have to say that for most of my life I have always thought of myself as the funny chick. You know, not the pretty one, not the popular one, not the smart one, not the talented one, the funny one. That was my personna. Don’t believe me, ask anyone who knows me to describe me, the first word out of their mouth will be funny…. and, so on.
So, when I got the blogging bug, as so many of us have, what would make more sense than to do funny stuff. Write funny pieces, stories, anecdotes, satire, political rants seasoned just right with a blend of sarcasm and potty jokes. Yup - that was Writer Chick. Nobody ever came to my blog without leaving with a smile on their face. I can promise you that was the case. Because you see, it was the goal. Though secretly I longed to write other things, well actually I did, but I longed to post them here. And actually I did a couple of times and as Michael likes to say, ‘they went over like a fart in church’. So, I knew that wasn’t going to fly - yet I still had the need to write the ‘other’ stuff. So, I started another blog so that I could do that - and no this is not an invitation for people to ask about the other blog and get a link and visit, because if that blog was something you wanted to read it would already be on your radar - in other words don’t worry about that.
But the point I guess, if there is a point, which I’m seriously beginning to wonder about - is this, I got myself into this mindset that the only reason anybody came here was so they could get laugh and then move about their business. And in essence sort of created my own monster, no one made me feel that way it was wholly created by me. Nonetheless, the blog began to feel a little bit like a prison that held me in a certain cell and would not let me out in the exercise yard. And I started to really think that my only worth in the blog world was the laughtrack. Again, this was me making me think this, no one else. But it made me restless and made me want to pull the plug on the blog, made me want to do something else - yet somehow I just couldn’t quite get there, let it all go. 500 plus posts, all the hours, all the time, all the energy - I couldn’t quite throw it in the trash.
So then the new solution became self hosting. It was going to somehow make me feel that I wasn’t trapped in the good humor truck and that I could offer other flavors of ice cream and it would be new and exciting. Well, not so much. With the new blog now, not only did I have a litany of crap I had to learn and clearly didn’t understand on the technical end, I lost my page rank, my stats tanked and I wasn’t sure if anyone was reading at all, funny or not. Crap! Now what?
Well, slowly but surely I believe I have evolved if one can do such a thing in the blog world. I like the humor, truly I do and lately I’m missing it - and I want to round it up again - but also have other things to say. Things that aren’t funny, that may even be quite serious or a bummer, but I’m okay with it now. Because the truth is I am the funny chick and I will always be, but now I know I don’t always have to be funny. That’s actually pretty cool and somewhat of a relief, you know what I mean. And crap, I hope this post made some sense.
The Lord of the Flies & His Vacuum
Posted on August 13, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, acts of idiocy, brain farts, my opinions, really stupid shit
Okay, I know I have in the past regaled you with humorous stories of Roomie but this one I do believe takes the cake. We all know he loves to talk in morning - really loudly. Really inanely and really drives me up the wall. He simply does not see dirt in any form and apparently thinks that the 30 pounds of fat that hangs over his belt buckle really gets the girls all twittery.
But today I hear this enormous noise coming from the kitchen and I think he has gotten some sort of high octane burning, super v8 engined blender or something and is mixing up some odd mixture of fish heads, vitamin powder and yoghurt.- and like an accident, I can’t look away. So when I peek around the corner there he is with the vacuum in the kitchen.
I must admit at first I was overjoyed that he was actually vacuuming anything and thought perhaps the furballs left by his giant cat had gotten too big for even him to stand to look at anymore - but no. Not vacuuming up the dirt, the furballs or anything else one usually uses a vacuum for - no, he was vacuuming flies out of the the window. I shit you not. And not only was he vacuuming flies out of the window ledges but he was yammering on about what a brilliant idea it was rather than messing with fly traps. And apparently trying to impress me with his brilliance as well.
Now, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by this, since this is a man who will vacuum his lawn, yet never clean his grill, will dig out his sprinkler heads at ten o’clock at night just cuz it bugs him but only do laundry when he absolutely must, will chide me about bacterial growth if I leave something in a pan for half an hour on the stove, but happily eat rice that stood on the range for 12 hours- so sure, why wouldn’t he vacuum the windows? Seriously, why not?
However, when I suggested he might want to also vacuum all the crud under his feet, the vacuum went off within seconds and has remained in the kitchen ever since. Interesting don’t you think? The mere suggestion that he should use a cleaning apparatus to actually clean something was such a turn off that he had to go watch a movie and eat some chips. Ah, the good life.
Jeez louise!
Multiple Blog Personality Syndrome?
Posted on June 11, 2008 - Filed Under brain farts, my opinions, really stupid shit
I was just chatting with my friend J and she mentioned to me that she has several blogs she’s working on. Which I found interesting. It seems she’s looking for her true blogger voice and honestly, I can relate to that. I have four blogs myself and am constantly wondering if I should start another one. Yeah, crazy, huh?
But here’s the thing - I don’t just have one passion - I have lots of them. And also I’m the kind of person who can get bored easily. I actually envy those bloggers out there who just have the one passion and can write about it endlessly without breaking a sweat. That they can burrow into every nook and cranny of it and get in there deep. All the big blogger dudes and dudettes advise this - pick a niche, pick the one thing you are most passionate about, get a following, gain an audience, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it’s good advice but not always the right advice I don’t think.
Some days I want to write nothing but political/social commentary - I’ve got a bee up my ass and it’s buzzing it’s brains out and I’ll explode if I don’t rant for a good long time about it. The next day I may have a case of the giggles and I’ll spend hours looking for funny shit like this (and you really have to click on this - seriously, it will make you laugh). The next day I might feel reflective about the meaning of life or my life or somebody’s life and want to write about that. So, why can’t I? Why can’t one blog cover all the many facets of me or any blogger for that matter?
I know that I and my friend J, are not the only ones afflicted with MBPS because several of my blogger buddies have multiple blogs and continue to start new ones. Maybe they have multi-faceted lives too. True, if they’d just done a blog about hot dogs they might be getting a book deal like that stupid-ass cat site or that other stupid ass white people blog or any number of the stupid ass, one-note popular blogs - they’d be raking in the dough too. Though how that translates into that, I’m really not sure but apparently it does because all the experts say so. And God forbid we should disagree with the experts.
I mean, we’re people for cripes sakes - not wordpress themes - why must we have a theme or a niche or a thang? Why can’t we change our colors, our words, our observations on a whim. Aren’t the best actors, singers, dancers, writers the ones who constantly challenge themselves and reinvent themselves to stretch into new horizons? Bloggers should have the same freedom -
So, I now proudly wear my Multiple Blogger Personality Syndrome badge proudly. If it’s good enough for Forest Gump’s mama then I guess it’s good enough for me. Blogs are like a box of chocolates, you just never know what you’re gonna get.
Anybody else out there with the syndrome? Hey, anybody wanna make a banner for me? Huh, huh, huh? Puleeze? Purty Puleeze! 
Pass the Ketchup and the Tidy Bowl
Posted on June 9, 2008 - Filed Under Humor, Just For Fun, brain farts, really stupid shit
Truth be told I have eaten a few snacks in the bathroom - epecially things like protein shakes or yoghurt, however, this takes things to a whole new level. You have to wonder how and why they came up with the concept, don’t you?
I am second to none in my admiration for asian ingenuity but this really takes the toilet brush.
It also makes me wonder what they use to clean these cute little soup bowls…do you think it’s lemon fresh Joy, or maybe Tidy Bowl? Or maybe even those funny blue discs you drop into the tank and forget about until the water stops turning blue.
And I love ice cream - what would the world be without it? Though I have to admit, I would never think of eating it out of a mini urinal.
Though she looks pretty darn pleased about it. Do you suppose they put a little something extra in it?
I suppose the upside is that you don’t have to leave your table to visit the rest room. And think of all the space they saved on that one. You know, my doggie might really like this place, she drinks out of the toilet at home and it never occurred to me that she might be onto a new trend. Do you think they have doggie soup?
All I can say is that once again, recycling and repurposing has found a creative solution. (HT to Ger for forwarding the pics)
The Bondage of Stuff
Posted on May 3, 2008 - Filed Under Life, WTF?, brain farts, really stupid shit
(I dedicate this to my friend Ange, who was the inspiration. WC)
Okay man,
I’ve had enough
I’m gettin’ over
my bondage of stuff
Not takin’ things
off the cuff
Gotta throw away
what’s in my duff
If you get in my way
I could get gruff
So shut your mouth
don’t gimme no guff
Gonna blow this down
gonna have to huff
gotta turn it around
gonna have to puff
And when I’m thru
it might be rough
Cuz Lord knows
I’ll miss my stuff
But I’m keepin’ my prayer
of hangin’ tough
Cuz I just can’t live
in the Bondage of Stuff.
copyright 2008
Brain Dribble…
Posted on January 17, 2008 - Filed Under brain farts, really stupid shit
So much for the issues of the day…WC
I want to crawl into a womb made of pillows and quilts and float on the amnionic fluid of my dreams. Sucking my thumb and wondering not about my name or purpose in life. Just sleep in the afternoon sun, alongside my fat cat, all fur and purr. Let go of whatever obligations I’ve convinced myself belong to me.
Release myself from the body that nags and worries - snicks and snacks - itches and burps.
Send my mind off to play with the neighboring psyches and not come home again until it has learned the secrets of the Universe and can recite them by heart.
Let my soul wander through Imagination’s deep forest until it finds the lush greens, smells the blues of the sky and learns the dance of the stars. Then sends my heart to find the love owned by all, that never dies but gives me the pulse to keep going.
Hints From the Universe
Posted on November 7, 2007 - Filed Under Just For Fun, brain farts, really stupid shit
And now…something light, silly and fresh-smelling… (HT to cora)
Bounce This Along
My mail carrier told me that the US Postal service sent out a message to all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow-jackets away.
Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am working outside. It really works. The insects just veer around you.
All this time you’ve just been putting Bounce in the dryer!
1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.
2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don’t get opened too often.
4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
7. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
11. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan.
14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the lose hairs.
16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.
20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.
22. Wet a Bounce sheet, hose down your car, and wipe lovebugs off easily with the wet Bounce.
Now…what is a love bug and how do you tie a drier sheet to your belt loop whilst maintaining your fashion sense?
